Diamond jumps up on the bed.
Liz: What an odd dream. Building... Building... Damn. Lost it already. (Composes herself to return to sleep.)
Diamond bats tentatively at Liz's alarm clock.
Liz: (moans) What time is it? He waited until right before the alarm went off, yesterday. Is it really almost six? It can't be. I'm so tired. (Rolls over slowly and looks at the clock, then moans again and pretends to go back to sleep.)
Diamond steps on the alarm clock, causing several buttons to depress, and the plastic to creak.
Liz: No. I am not getting up. Maybe if I lay here long enough, it'll wake Matt up and he'll go put the cat in the garage.
Diamond begins knocking things off Liz's nightstand.
Liz: Scissors. Necklace. Hand lotion. ...What was that? Glasses. Come on, Matt, wake up.
Matt: (half-asleep, protesting) Spud....
Diamond walks over Liz's pillow to Matt. Matt pets the cat for a minute or two before dropping back to sleep. Liz dozes off again. As soon as Matt dozes off and stops petting him, Diamond walks back over to Liz's nightstand and begins poking at the alarm clock.
Liz: I know it's driving Matt just as crazy as me. Why doesn't he just get up and put the cat in the garage?
Matt: Why doesn't she just put the cat in the garage?
Liz: (Determinedly rolls over and snuggles with Matt. She is not going to give in to the cat.)
Diamond, for whatever perverse reason cats do things, eventually gives up and curls up against Liz's back. Maybe he just wanted her to move over all along. Finally, at 6:00, the alarm goes off.
Liz: Okay, if I'm going to train him that breakfast is when the alarm goes off, then I'd better get up and feed him right now. (Rolls away from Matt reluctantly, stretches, and gasps in pain.) Ouch! Oh, ouch, shit, ow... (Curls up in a ball, leg jerking spasmodically as she tries to figure out the least painful position for it.)
Matt: Leg cramp?
Liz: Ow, yeah.
Matt: I'm sorry. Should have drunk more water.
Liz: I emptied my mug yesterday!
Matt: Maybe should have had some right before bed.
Liz: Oh, go away.
When lunchtime rolled around yesterday, I discovered that the thought of microwaved frozen diet pizza just didn't - for some reason - appeal. Becky confessed that she wasn't in love with the thought of her frozen lunch, either. So we gathered together Jim and Jerry and went out to Second Street for lunch.
No one had a car that fit four people comfortably, so I rode with Becky while Jerry went with Jim. Becky, I found out, has a language-learning tape in her car. I'm sure you've seen these before: Slowly, calmly, and clearly, a phrase or sentence will be said in English, and then repeated in whatever foreign language you're learning (in this case, Spanish), and then the set is repeated, in case you missed it the first time.
Becky's tape, specifically, is teaching her Spanish vulgarities.
Fuck you. ChÃngate. (pause for repitition) Fuck you. ChÃngate. (pause) Shit. Mierda. (pause) Shit. Mierda.
What made it especially funny was that the man reciting the English wasn't smiling as he said it. Have you ever noticed that if someone's smiling when they're talking, you can sortof hear the smile, even if you can't see them? We were quite certain that this person was nowhere close to amusement as he read off in a slow, clear voice, "I never leave home without my vibrator." We weren't sure about the guy doing the Spanish, but we thought we detected a hint of smile in his voice in a few places. But something about the English speaker's careful, unsmiling repitition of "I like to scratch my balls" just sent us into hysterics.
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