I didn't get to the Fall Festival on Sunday, mostly because the weather turned cold and rainy, and between that and my cough still not being completely gone yet and the mood I was in, I decided to just stay home.
Mood... yeah.
By all accounts, the weekend went pretty well. I went to the thirty-one party with Elizabeth and KT on Friday, and afterward we went out to dinner at Corner Pocket. Small hiccup when we got there and realized I'd left my purse at the party, so Elizabeth and I had to leave KT sitting there by herself for fifteen or twenty minutes while we ran back to get it, but after that, we had a lovely time, and then KT and I went back to the house and sat and talked for a while longer.
Saturday, I did some more decorating in the dining room, then discovered that the Blu-Ray player would, in fact, play the MP4s of Big Bang Theory that Elizabeth had burned for me after she'd heard I hadn't seen the first couple of seasons, so I started watching those.
Then my date came over -- he made dinner for me while we watched Avengers, and after we ate, we went over to Braz's to play Cards Against Humanity with him and his new girlfriend, Megan. That went really great -- we played down the entire deck of black cards, and laughed ourselves silly.
I got up Sunday morning, went to the store, then came home and decided the weather really wasn't going to make the Fall Festival anything like enjoyable, so I put the BBT disc back in and started up a marathon.
Somewhere around lunchtime, I fell into a funk, and by mid-afternoon, it had progressed to the point where every time I wasn't actively watching something funny, I'd start crying. Immediately. Like, if I paused it to go to the bathroom.
I don't have PMS to blame it on this time, even. The funk is still with me today, and I'm only really staving off tears because work is going to be insanely busy this week, plus I just got ten stories of various lengths (from 5,000 words to over 30,000) to evaluate for inclusion in the anthology I'm editing, so I've got plenty to keep myself occupied. And even all that is only barely holding tears at bay. So... I guess the denial phase is about up, and it's time for the much less attractive (but possibly less creepy) bargaining/depression phases.
I think it's pretty clear that I'm not as ready to move on as I thought I was. So I've shut down my profile on the dating site, and sent an email breaking things off with the guy I'd dated a couple of times. I feel bad for hurting him, but I can't think of anything less fair than subjecting someone else -- especially a potential romantic interest -- to my current mercurial state of mind.
I may be scarce here on the blog for a while again, because there's only so many times I can whinge about being scared and lonely and scared of being lonely before it gets tedious for even me.
And also, as I mentioned, I'm insanely busy with boring, un-bloggable work stuff and less boring, but still mostly un-bloggable, editing stuff.
But I'll try to pop in now and then with some kid anecdotes to keep things light.
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
UpDown
Yesterday could have been better.
It started out okay, but then I had a massive freak-out in the middle of the afternoon. I'm not entirely sure where it came from, but it was leading to places in my mind I thought I'd left behind me, so I'm grateful that KT was online and able to talk me down off the ledge, so to speak.
I managed to pull myself together in time to go pick up the kids, and we had a pretty nice evening.
But then I read Officer Buckle and Gloria to Alex at bedtime, and when I finished it, I looked down and Alex was in tears. "What's wrong?"
He managed to gasp out that he was sad because Officer Buckle and Gloria had been alone during their falling-out, and even though they're friends again at the end of the book, he was still sad that they'd fought and been apart.
...Uh-huh.
I tried to lead him around to it, to try to get him to tell me if that reminded him of anyone he knew, but he just shook his head and wanted to snuggle for a while before I read the second book.
And then he woke up me at 3am to tell me he'd had an accident, so I had to get up and change his sheets. That's the second accident he's had in the last week or so.
And then he got up early this morning to tell me he'd had two bad dreams in a row. And that he'd had several when he was at Matt's. I got him to tell me about them, and the running theme seems to be abandonment, specifically by parental figures.
So... yeah, I guess he's starting to actually process that Matt and I aren't together anymore, even if it's not conscious yet.
Which, on top of my own little freak-out, was pretty well precisely bad timing. So I'm sleepy and doldrum-y today, and wishing there was some way to turn back the clock, and wondering if I should cancel my date for this weekend.
It started out okay, but then I had a massive freak-out in the middle of the afternoon. I'm not entirely sure where it came from, but it was leading to places in my mind I thought I'd left behind me, so I'm grateful that KT was online and able to talk me down off the ledge, so to speak.
I managed to pull myself together in time to go pick up the kids, and we had a pretty nice evening.
But then I read Officer Buckle and Gloria to Alex at bedtime, and when I finished it, I looked down and Alex was in tears. "What's wrong?"
He managed to gasp out that he was sad because Officer Buckle and Gloria had been alone during their falling-out, and even though they're friends again at the end of the book, he was still sad that they'd fought and been apart.
...Uh-huh.
I tried to lead him around to it, to try to get him to tell me if that reminded him of anyone he knew, but he just shook his head and wanted to snuggle for a while before I read the second book.
And then he woke up me at 3am to tell me he'd had an accident, so I had to get up and change his sheets. That's the second accident he's had in the last week or so.
And then he got up early this morning to tell me he'd had two bad dreams in a row. And that he'd had several when he was at Matt's. I got him to tell me about them, and the running theme seems to be abandonment, specifically by parental figures.
So... yeah, I guess he's starting to actually process that Matt and I aren't together anymore, even if it's not conscious yet.
Which, on top of my own little freak-out, was pretty well precisely bad timing. So I'm sleepy and doldrum-y today, and wishing there was some way to turn back the clock, and wondering if I should cancel my date for this weekend.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Activity!
I am, as they say, keeping busy.
I have an appointment with my therapist today. Those are sometimes painful, occasionally actually fun, and almost always draining.
Tomorrow, I'm meeting Elizabeth for a movie and sushi. There was a Groupon a little while back for a local Japanese restaurant -- $20 for $40 worth of food. Which is a great deal for a restaurant I love eating at... but there's no way I can eat $40 worth of food on my own (especially within the limits of these sorts of coupons, which generally stipulate you have to use them in one visit, and alcohol is not included). So I said something on Twitter about being willing to split it with someone, and Elizabeth took me up on it. So yay, girldate! If we can both get out of work early, we're going to see ParaNorman; if not, we're going to catch Bourne Legacy.
Saturday's project is to start redecorating the dining room. I decided a few weeks back that I was going to gather all my Cancun stuff in there and give the room a Mexico theme. I found a border sticker that's not blatantly Mexican, but has that same sort of bright color going on for it, so that's my step one -- putting that up. Then I'll work on rearranging the artwork.
Saturday night, I have a date. I'm hoping it goes well. Or at least, better than the lunch date I had on Tuesday, with a gentleman who was very nice and ridiculously smart but not a terribly good conversationalist, so there were a lot of awkward silences. (Yes, for my concerned friends, appropriate levels of caution are being taken such as meeting in public places and not giving out more personal information than necessary. And at the other end of the caution scale, yes, I've got condoms. And no, I am not going to blog about their use, or lack thereof.)
Sunday's excitement, beyond the usual chores (whoo! chores!) is a meetup to see about possibly joining a local gaming group for an Ars Magica campaign. It sounds like schedule might be an issue, though, so I'm not holding my breath.
Now, if I can just bludgeon this stupid damn cough out of existence, I'll be ready to take on the world. (Yay, Happy Fun Cough Syrup...)
I have an appointment with my therapist today. Those are sometimes painful, occasionally actually fun, and almost always draining.
Tomorrow, I'm meeting Elizabeth for a movie and sushi. There was a Groupon a little while back for a local Japanese restaurant -- $20 for $40 worth of food. Which is a great deal for a restaurant I love eating at... but there's no way I can eat $40 worth of food on my own (especially within the limits of these sorts of coupons, which generally stipulate you have to use them in one visit, and alcohol is not included). So I said something on Twitter about being willing to split it with someone, and Elizabeth took me up on it. So yay, girldate! If we can both get out of work early, we're going to see ParaNorman; if not, we're going to catch Bourne Legacy.
Saturday's project is to start redecorating the dining room. I decided a few weeks back that I was going to gather all my Cancun stuff in there and give the room a Mexico theme. I found a border sticker that's not blatantly Mexican, but has that same sort of bright color going on for it, so that's my step one -- putting that up. Then I'll work on rearranging the artwork.
Saturday night, I have a date. I'm hoping it goes well. Or at least, better than the lunch date I had on Tuesday, with a gentleman who was very nice and ridiculously smart but not a terribly good conversationalist, so there were a lot of awkward silences. (Yes, for my concerned friends, appropriate levels of caution are being taken such as meeting in public places and not giving out more personal information than necessary. And at the other end of the caution scale, yes, I've got condoms. And no, I am not going to blog about their use, or lack thereof.)
Sunday's excitement, beyond the usual chores (whoo! chores!) is a meetup to see about possibly joining a local gaming group for an Ars Magica campaign. It sounds like schedule might be an issue, though, so I'm not holding my breath.
Now, if I can just bludgeon this stupid damn cough out of existence, I'll be ready to take on the world. (Yay, Happy Fun Cough Syrup...)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
The Grey Light
My therapist said something to me yesterday -- actually something that someone had said to her twenty-five years ago, when she was a newly-divorced woman of 40 (and so in a situation similar to mine) -- that touched a nerve.
Except I wasn't entirely sure why it touched a nerve. As supportive statements go, it was pretty standard: "You are a smart, strong, capable woman. You make good choices, and you will continue to make good choices. Sometimes, you'll make a choice that turns out to be bad, and you'll learn from it and move on."
This morning, Alex woke me up around 4am to let me know he'd overflowed his pullup. Again. (Note to self: need to make sure he's not sneaking drinks after dinner, and also verify he's going to the potty before bed.) I got him changed and re-settled and back to bed, then went back to bed myself.
But -- as seems to be the usual lately, once I was up, I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried for a while, and then I just lay there, thinking about the music that's been resonating with me lately. "Off the Hook" by the Barenaked Ladies, in particular, has been stuck in my head for a good week. And I thought about the writing assignment the therapist had given me and wondered if maybe I could use all that resonant music to at least kick it off (getting started is one of the hardest parts, so having a theme or a starting point is useful). And I started sort of head-writing what I would say about "Off the Hook".
He could get away with murder one
and you would clean the smoking gun
With every crime
you bought each line
That's the thing that bothers me most, I thought, laying there in that dim, grey light of pre-dawn. Not what happened, but how I willingly blinded myself to it.
I feel so stupid, I thought. I feel so foolish.
It was a mistake to stay quiet for so long, I thought.
You will make mistakes, said another voice. It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
And then there were tears, and an epiphany: This is what I keep falling apart over, in different incarnations, over and over. Allowing myself to make mistakes. Admitting -- not that I screwed up, because I did, and I can own that -- but that it's not the end of the world, and that it's okay to learn from my mistakes and forgive myself for them.
I know now, what the first step of my path to me is: to forgive myself for my mistakes, for failing to acknowledge and act during our years of drawing apart, and for allowing myself to hear what I wanted to hear instead of what was actually being said. I'm not sure how, because those feel like huge failures, but at least I can see the way forward, even if it's covered in brambles and mist.
So the pain is a little fresher this morning, but it feels cleaner, like a newly cleansed wound. I expect it will need to be cleansed again, but at least it feels like healing.
Sorry for dumping all this maundering on you, but I've been awake since 4am.
Except I wasn't entirely sure why it touched a nerve. As supportive statements go, it was pretty standard: "You are a smart, strong, capable woman. You make good choices, and you will continue to make good choices. Sometimes, you'll make a choice that turns out to be bad, and you'll learn from it and move on."
This morning, Alex woke me up around 4am to let me know he'd overflowed his pullup. Again. (Note to self: need to make sure he's not sneaking drinks after dinner, and also verify he's going to the potty before bed.) I got him changed and re-settled and back to bed, then went back to bed myself.
But -- as seems to be the usual lately, once I was up, I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried for a while, and then I just lay there, thinking about the music that's been resonating with me lately. "Off the Hook" by the Barenaked Ladies, in particular, has been stuck in my head for a good week. And I thought about the writing assignment the therapist had given me and wondered if maybe I could use all that resonant music to at least kick it off (getting started is one of the hardest parts, so having a theme or a starting point is useful). And I started sort of head-writing what I would say about "Off the Hook".
He could get away with murder one
and you would clean the smoking gun
With every crime
you bought each line
That's the thing that bothers me most, I thought, laying there in that dim, grey light of pre-dawn. Not what happened, but how I willingly blinded myself to it.
I feel so stupid, I thought. I feel so foolish.
It was a mistake to stay quiet for so long, I thought.
You will make mistakes, said another voice. It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
And then there were tears, and an epiphany: This is what I keep falling apart over, in different incarnations, over and over. Allowing myself to make mistakes. Admitting -- not that I screwed up, because I did, and I can own that -- but that it's not the end of the world, and that it's okay to learn from my mistakes and forgive myself for them.
I know now, what the first step of my path to me is: to forgive myself for my mistakes, for failing to acknowledge and act during our years of drawing apart, and for allowing myself to hear what I wanted to hear instead of what was actually being said. I'm not sure how, because those feel like huge failures, but at least I can see the way forward, even if it's covered in brambles and mist.
So the pain is a little fresher this morning, but it feels cleaner, like a newly cleansed wound. I expect it will need to be cleansed again, but at least it feels like healing.
Sorry for dumping all this maundering on you, but I've been awake since 4am.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Grey
Been sick the last few days. Nothing serious, just a sort of annoying and persistent cold that left me unable to breathe properly and with a mild but constant headache. Your standard spring cold/sinus infection.
I worked from home and didn't engage my brain unless I had to and generally just sort of... existed.
And then Spring Drama happened.
I'd been getting used to drama-free springs, but it's back.
I'm not sure if I'm actually calm and accepting or if I'm just a little numb while it worms its way inward.
Yeah, I'm being vague. Sorry about that. I want to talk about it some, but while it touches me, it's not about me, so I can't. If you don't already know... probably best not to ask. Yes, I'm okay. At least for now. If I get to a point where I'm not okay, you'll probably hear about it.
Anyway. Drama, and me trying to decide if my relative lack of reaction is a good sign or a bad one. I stayed up late last night, drinking and talking things over with one of the other affected parties (who is, for the record, very much not numb or calm or remotely accepting; thus the drinking). So I'm slightly hungover and very tired today, which is probably making the confusion and vagueness even worse than it needs to be.
So I'm kind of not looking forward to this weekend so much. And any lingering desire that I had to stick to any sort of diet may be a bit run off the rails.
...But part of me is wondering if I can get a story out of it.
I worked from home and didn't engage my brain unless I had to and generally just sort of... existed.
And then Spring Drama happened.
I'd been getting used to drama-free springs, but it's back.
I'm not sure if I'm actually calm and accepting or if I'm just a little numb while it worms its way inward.
Yeah, I'm being vague. Sorry about that. I want to talk about it some, but while it touches me, it's not about me, so I can't. If you don't already know... probably best not to ask. Yes, I'm okay. At least for now. If I get to a point where I'm not okay, you'll probably hear about it.
Anyway. Drama, and me trying to decide if my relative lack of reaction is a good sign or a bad one. I stayed up late last night, drinking and talking things over with one of the other affected parties (who is, for the record, very much not numb or calm or remotely accepting; thus the drinking). So I'm slightly hungover and very tired today, which is probably making the confusion and vagueness even worse than it needs to be.
So I'm kind of not looking forward to this weekend so much. And any lingering desire that I had to stick to any sort of diet may be a bit run off the rails.
...But part of me is wondering if I can get a story out of it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Stresspuppy
I'm a major stresspuppy lately, what with the day job and the editing job and the writing job (I'm calling it two and a half jobs) and the being a mom and everything. Alex is still overflowing his night-time pullup a few times a week, which means he wakes me up to change his sheets, so my sleep levels aren't the best, which only adds to the problem.
You know what I do when I'm stressy?
I eat.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and even though I know how much I weigh, it was a little bit of a smack to realize just how much I've gained in only the last year.
Am I going to pull myself together and stop stress-eating? Am I going to regain my willpower and start going back to the gym three times a week?
...Let's face it: probably not. Though I've ordered a compact elliptical machine to put in my office, so maybe I can at least make myself do a mini-workout from time to time.
Am I going to start going to bed early to make up for the unavoidable early mornings? No way; that's my "me" time!
Am I going to give up the editing and writing? Absolutely not; that's my dream job. It's not their fault that they don't pay worth a damn.
Am I going to get a new day job? I think about it on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis, but this isn't a good economy for job-hunting. I'm keeping my eyes open, but I don't see it happening soon.
So what, then?
Damned if I know.
You know what I do when I'm stressy?
I eat.
I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and even though I know how much I weigh, it was a little bit of a smack to realize just how much I've gained in only the last year.
Am I going to pull myself together and stop stress-eating? Am I going to regain my willpower and start going back to the gym three times a week?
...Let's face it: probably not. Though I've ordered a compact elliptical machine to put in my office, so maybe I can at least make myself do a mini-workout from time to time.
Am I going to start going to bed early to make up for the unavoidable early mornings? No way; that's my "me" time!
Am I going to give up the editing and writing? Absolutely not; that's my dream job. It's not their fault that they don't pay worth a damn.
Am I going to get a new day job? I think about it on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis, but this isn't a good economy for job-hunting. I'm keeping my eyes open, but I don't see it happening soon.
So what, then?
Damned if I know.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Fourish
I had a lovely day off on Friday. I spent the morning at Panera, writing, and then Adin joined me for lunch, and after that we went shopping and got pedicures. We all met up again at Plaza Azteca for dinner, and then we went back to Adin's place so Alex could open his birthday present from them, which turned out to be an "I Spy" bingo game. (Like regular bingo, but with objects and letters of the alphabet, with a number of variations suggested by the rules, depending on how advanced the players are.) We played a few rounds of that, and then I went to my book club party.
For the first time this year, we decided to hold it at a restaurant instead of burdening anyone with the job of cleaning up and providing snacks. That turned out to be an awesome idea. We went to Food For Thought and had a fantastic time. As a clever holiday promotion, the manager was handing out what he called "Secret Santa cards" -- little envelopes that contained a surprise gift, ranging from a free glass of wine to a complete dinner for two on Valentine's Day. The catch was that we couldn't open them ourselves; we have to bring them in sometime in January and have a manager open them. So of course we decided that we have to have our January book club there, too!
Saturday was calmer -- we ran some errands in the morning (like taking a box of stuff to the post office so we can hope it gets to his mom's before we do), and Matt went to his monthly D&D game that evening. I took the kids out to dinner, and they were surprisingly good.
Sunday was a little crazier. We had the usual chores, and we exchanged presents with our next-door neighbors, and then Matt and Penny went to see a production of the Nutcracker ballet while Alex napped. After Alex woke up, I took him down to my parents', where Matt and Penny met up with us (they'd had a good time at the ballet, though as Matt said, it was a children's dance troupe, so the performances were a little uneven) for the family birthday party for Alex. Mom made her homemade mac-and-cheese, and Sam brought a gorgeous salad, and Alex seemed quite happy with all his presents. We all had big pieces of cake (except John and Sam, who were being good and making the rest of us look bad) and HOLY CRAP MY BABY IS (nearly) FOUR.
Who let that happen?
Speaking of crazier...
My officeChristmas party holiday luncheon annual morale event is today. (Catered lunch, yum!) Tonight we're swapping gifts with the Hegemony. No plans yet for Tuesday, but I expect I'll spend a chunk of it packing, because. Wednesday morning has a doctor's appointment of some sort for everyone in the house except Matt, Penny has a half-day of school (if she goes at all, depending on how long her doctor appointment goes) and that evening, the Hickses are coming up to do the Christmas thing (and also so KT can give me my thirty-one gear and we can sequester ourselves in a corner and talk writer-stuff for a bit).
And then Thursday, we're off to Chicago for the holidays.
In the meantime, one of the gifts I ordered for Matt still hasn't come in, and I have to figure out a way to wrap another one. Details that I had thought long since established (like whether Santa wraps gifts) are being called into question, and since I haven't really been thinking past the Chicago trip, I was blindsided by the need to plan the events for New Year's Eve. I feel like my head isn't screwed on quite right; I'm dropping details right and left, and my body has reacted by making me drop into a drowse every time I stop moving for more than ten minutes.
But at least I finally remembered to load my holiday music onto my iPad!
WHEE!
For the first time this year, we decided to hold it at a restaurant instead of burdening anyone with the job of cleaning up and providing snacks. That turned out to be an awesome idea. We went to Food For Thought and had a fantastic time. As a clever holiday promotion, the manager was handing out what he called "Secret Santa cards" -- little envelopes that contained a surprise gift, ranging from a free glass of wine to a complete dinner for two on Valentine's Day. The catch was that we couldn't open them ourselves; we have to bring them in sometime in January and have a manager open them. So of course we decided that we have to have our January book club there, too!
Saturday was calmer -- we ran some errands in the morning (like taking a box of stuff to the post office so we can hope it gets to his mom's before we do), and Matt went to his monthly D&D game that evening. I took the kids out to dinner, and they were surprisingly good.
Sunday was a little crazier. We had the usual chores, and we exchanged presents with our next-door neighbors, and then Matt and Penny went to see a production of the Nutcracker ballet while Alex napped. After Alex woke up, I took him down to my parents', where Matt and Penny met up with us (they'd had a good time at the ballet, though as Matt said, it was a children's dance troupe, so the performances were a little uneven) for the family birthday party for Alex. Mom made her homemade mac-and-cheese, and Sam brought a gorgeous salad, and Alex seemed quite happy with all his presents. We all had big pieces of cake (except John and Sam, who were being good and making the rest of us look bad) and HOLY CRAP MY BABY IS (nearly) FOUR.
Who let that happen?
Speaking of crazier...
My office
And then Thursday, we're off to Chicago for the holidays.
In the meantime, one of the gifts I ordered for Matt still hasn't come in, and I have to figure out a way to wrap another one. Details that I had thought long since established (like whether Santa wraps gifts) are being called into question, and since I haven't really been thinking past the Chicago trip, I was blindsided by the need to plan the events for New Year's Eve. I feel like my head isn't screwed on quite right; I'm dropping details right and left, and my body has reacted by making me drop into a drowse every time I stop moving for more than ten minutes.
But at least I finally remembered to load my holiday music onto my iPad!
WHEE!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Busy is Relative
Compared to the previous weekend, this last one was positively indolent.
Jenn and Brian came down on Friday instead of Saturday, so we took them with us over to the Hegemony for dinner and a round of Cards Against Humanity.
I'd meant to be productive Saturday, but Matt took Penny out to run some errands while Alex was napping, and I had a headache, so I went to lay down, too. I had to get up twice to answer the phone, but I crawled right back to bed and the next thing I knew, it was 5:00 and the whole afternoon was gone. So we ordered a huge order of Chinese and took it over to the Hegemony again. This time, we played Trivial Pursuit. I've always sucked at the game, but I got a fantastic selection of really ridiculously difficult questions, so eventually I gave up even really trying, and just enjoyed watching the other three jockey for the win.
Sunday made up for my indulgence Saturday, though. After I'd gotten up and done the grocery shopping, I set about clearing the kitchen of a wide assortment of items that need to be pre-prepared: I roasted five winter squash from our CSA box that have been waiting. I seeded a pomegranate. I peeled and roasted a whole bunch of root vegetables (sweet potatoes, potatoes, turnips, parsnips, and carrots). I made a batch of apple-pumpkin soup. The kitchen got cleaned not once, but a couple of times. So I felt pretty good about all that. The only things left to do on that front are another pomegranate and a batch of peanuts to be shelled and roasted.
I also took Penny out shopping to get some new "fancy" shoes to go with her Christmas dress, and I stopped by Target to pick up a new pair of jeans and a pair of leggings, and I found a couple of new shirts while I was at it. (Kudos to Penny for suffering through all my trying things on and bemoaning re-gained weight; she just sat on the floor in the dressing room with my phone and held the room while I ran back and forth getting things in various sizes.)
After our dinner of pumpkin soup and roasted vegetables, we had to drop Matt's car off at the dealership for some routine maintenance, so as long as we were all in the car anyway, we took the kids down to drive through the Newport News Park's Celebration in Lights. I was driving, so I didn't take any pictures, but Penny had her camera, and delighted in taking both videos and snapshots. (I'll be interested to see if any of them turned out at all.)
The timing worked out pretty well -- by the time we got home, we were only slightly late for Alex's bath and bedtime.
This coming weekend ramps things back up. My book club Christmas party is Friday night. Matt's D&D game is Saturday. Sunday, Matt is taking Penny to see the Nutcracker ballet, after which we'll convene at my parents' for Alex's birthday party.
Jenn and Brian came down on Friday instead of Saturday, so we took them with us over to the Hegemony for dinner and a round of Cards Against Humanity.
I'd meant to be productive Saturday, but Matt took Penny out to run some errands while Alex was napping, and I had a headache, so I went to lay down, too. I had to get up twice to answer the phone, but I crawled right back to bed and the next thing I knew, it was 5:00 and the whole afternoon was gone. So we ordered a huge order of Chinese and took it over to the Hegemony again. This time, we played Trivial Pursuit. I've always sucked at the game, but I got a fantastic selection of really ridiculously difficult questions, so eventually I gave up even really trying, and just enjoyed watching the other three jockey for the win.
Sunday made up for my indulgence Saturday, though. After I'd gotten up and done the grocery shopping, I set about clearing the kitchen of a wide assortment of items that need to be pre-prepared: I roasted five winter squash from our CSA box that have been waiting. I seeded a pomegranate. I peeled and roasted a whole bunch of root vegetables (sweet potatoes, potatoes, turnips, parsnips, and carrots). I made a batch of apple-pumpkin soup. The kitchen got cleaned not once, but a couple of times. So I felt pretty good about all that. The only things left to do on that front are another pomegranate and a batch of peanuts to be shelled and roasted.
I also took Penny out shopping to get some new "fancy" shoes to go with her Christmas dress, and I stopped by Target to pick up a new pair of jeans and a pair of leggings, and I found a couple of new shirts while I was at it. (Kudos to Penny for suffering through all my trying things on and bemoaning re-gained weight; she just sat on the floor in the dressing room with my phone and held the room while I ran back and forth getting things in various sizes.)
After our dinner of pumpkin soup and roasted vegetables, we had to drop Matt's car off at the dealership for some routine maintenance, so as long as we were all in the car anyway, we took the kids down to drive through the Newport News Park's Celebration in Lights. I was driving, so I didn't take any pictures, but Penny had her camera, and delighted in taking both videos and snapshots. (I'll be interested to see if any of them turned out at all.)
The timing worked out pretty well -- by the time we got home, we were only slightly late for Alex's bath and bedtime.
This coming weekend ramps things back up. My book club Christmas party is Friday night. Matt's D&D game is Saturday. Sunday, Matt is taking Penny to see the Nutcracker ballet, after which we'll convene at my parents' for Alex's birthday party.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Humpty
So, the Day Job's HR/benefits department is making changes to the schedule for our holidays which essentially is going to screw us out of a day of vacation next year. (Worse, they're moving it around so that we don't get our annual holiday pool until after the Christmas holidays, which completely sucks. I liked that they'd been giving it to us just before Christmas, because it ensured that we always had that time available. It's now essentially a gigantic sandpaper dildo for people who aren't good at planning a whole year in advance.) They're also changing how much vacation we're allowed to save up, but that's much less of an issue for me since I'm barely keeping my vacation balance above water right now, anyway.
Speaking of barely keeping things above water... the schedule probably could have a few more things crammed into it, but it would take a crowbar.
Penny has a half-day today, and tonight we'll probably do our usual Friday night shindig with the Hegemony. Tomorrow, Jenn and Brian are coming into town to do some shopping and then stopping to visit with us afterward. Matt has his D&D game, so he'll probably miss some of their visit, but that'll be okay. They can help me take the kids out to dinner and then we'll figure out something to do once the kids are in bed.
Sunday, so far, has no plans. I'm hoping against hope that the Christmas cards I ordered will arrive today or Saturday so that I can spend part of Sunday signing and addressing them and they can go in the mail on Monday. And I did kind of promise Penny that I'd take her out shopping to try to find some fancy shoes to go with her Christmas dress. I'm not sure when that will happen, but I'm betting on either Saturday or Sunday this weekend.
Next week, I have two doctor appointments on the books, plus I'll probably have to schedule a bloodletting so that my GP will refill my synthyroid prescription.
Then, next weekend, I've got my book club meeting/Christmas party on Friday night, and then nothing on Saturday (except probably doing Christmas cards, if they don't arrive in time to do them this weekend, and shipping those gifts that need to be shipped -- which means we should probably get a move on the last of our gift shopping -- and a box or two of stuff to Matt's mom in advance of our trip, like some presents for the gang there, and we can fill extra space in the box with some of our bulkier clothes), and then Sunday Matt's taking Penny to a local production of The Nutcracker ballet, followed by dinner at my folks' to celebrate Alex's birthday (for which I need to acquire a cake).
And the following Wednesday, Alex and I both have appointments with the ear/nose/throat doctor at the same time that Penny has her quarterly checkup with the endocrinologist, and then she has a half-day of school. We'll spend that night and Thursday morning packing stuff, and then pretty much right after lunch that Thursday, we're off to Richmond to catch our flight to Chicago. (Which should be a hoot, as the flight was already slam-packed full when I booked it in September, and I couldn't get ANY seats together. We'll be relying on the kindness of surrounding strangers to swap around so that the kids can sit with us.)
Matt has been trying to impose some level of organization on our time in Chicago, but my impression is that he's getting a lot of, "Oh, let's just wait and see" responses, so... not so much. I'm trying to stay out of it, for the most part. I'm just chalking those 9 days up to a blur of alternating running around and trying to keep the kids from getting so bored that they wreck his mom's house, and otherwise letting the chips fall as they may.
We're coming back from Chicago on the 30th (at least our seats are all together on that flight), and then on the 31st we'll "do" a mid-day Christmas with my family and end up at the Hegemony to ring in the New Year. (I've promised Penny she can try to stay up until midnight this year. We Shall See how that goes -- and whether I manage to stay awake that late, myself.)
And then I'll have the 1st and the 2nd of January to catch up on sleep, unpack our bags, try to figure out where all the new loot fits, and start un-decorating the house.
Somewhere in all that, we need to find a time to match schedules and meet up with KT and Kevin and Jess so we can give them their presents (and I can get the stuff I ordered from KT's thirty-one show). I need to get some occasional exercise, stay on top of everything at work, finish editing the story I'm working on, and gin up a couple of promotional blurbs for my publisher. I also need to do something with an assortment of vegetables and fruits in my kitchen before they start to go bad on me, and I'd really like to try out the all-edges brownie pan that Karen sent for my birthday. (Maybe Alex will get brownies in addition to cake for his birthday. Just 'cause.)
What I'm saying is -- if I miss a day or two of posting in the next couple of weeks, don't worry; I'm not dead, just insane. And between the 22nd and the 3rd, you probably shouldn't expect to hear from me at all, though I may manage a post or two via my phone. My twitter account is much more likely to see semi-regular posts, if you find yourself saddened by the silence here.
***
Speaking of barely keeping things above water... the schedule probably could have a few more things crammed into it, but it would take a crowbar.
Penny has a half-day today, and tonight we'll probably do our usual Friday night shindig with the Hegemony. Tomorrow, Jenn and Brian are coming into town to do some shopping and then stopping to visit with us afterward. Matt has his D&D game, so he'll probably miss some of their visit, but that'll be okay. They can help me take the kids out to dinner and then we'll figure out something to do once the kids are in bed.
Sunday, so far, has no plans. I'm hoping against hope that the Christmas cards I ordered will arrive today or Saturday so that I can spend part of Sunday signing and addressing them and they can go in the mail on Monday. And I did kind of promise Penny that I'd take her out shopping to try to find some fancy shoes to go with her Christmas dress. I'm not sure when that will happen, but I'm betting on either Saturday or Sunday this weekend.
Next week, I have two doctor appointments on the books, plus I'll probably have to schedule a bloodletting so that my GP will refill my synthyroid prescription.
Then, next weekend, I've got my book club meeting/Christmas party on Friday night, and then nothing on Saturday (except probably doing Christmas cards, if they don't arrive in time to do them this weekend, and shipping those gifts that need to be shipped -- which means we should probably get a move on the last of our gift shopping -- and a box or two of stuff to Matt's mom in advance of our trip, like some presents for the gang there, and we can fill extra space in the box with some of our bulkier clothes), and then Sunday Matt's taking Penny to a local production of The Nutcracker ballet, followed by dinner at my folks' to celebrate Alex's birthday (for which I need to acquire a cake).
And the following Wednesday, Alex and I both have appointments with the ear/nose/throat doctor at the same time that Penny has her quarterly checkup with the endocrinologist, and then she has a half-day of school. We'll spend that night and Thursday morning packing stuff, and then pretty much right after lunch that Thursday, we're off to Richmond to catch our flight to Chicago. (Which should be a hoot, as the flight was already slam-packed full when I booked it in September, and I couldn't get ANY seats together. We'll be relying on the kindness of surrounding strangers to swap around so that the kids can sit with us.)
Matt has been trying to impose some level of organization on our time in Chicago, but my impression is that he's getting a lot of, "Oh, let's just wait and see" responses, so... not so much. I'm trying to stay out of it, for the most part. I'm just chalking those 9 days up to a blur of alternating running around and trying to keep the kids from getting so bored that they wreck his mom's house, and otherwise letting the chips fall as they may.
We're coming back from Chicago on the 30th (at least our seats are all together on that flight), and then on the 31st we'll "do" a mid-day Christmas with my family and end up at the Hegemony to ring in the New Year. (I've promised Penny she can try to stay up until midnight this year. We Shall See how that goes -- and whether I manage to stay awake that late, myself.)
And then I'll have the 1st and the 2nd of January to catch up on sleep, unpack our bags, try to figure out where all the new loot fits, and start un-decorating the house.
Somewhere in all that, we need to find a time to match schedules and meet up with KT and Kevin and Jess so we can give them their presents (and I can get the stuff I ordered from KT's thirty-one show). I need to get some occasional exercise, stay on top of everything at work, finish editing the story I'm working on, and gin up a couple of promotional blurbs for my publisher. I also need to do something with an assortment of vegetables and fruits in my kitchen before they start to go bad on me, and I'd really like to try out the all-edges brownie pan that Karen sent for my birthday. (Maybe Alex will get brownies in addition to cake for his birthday. Just 'cause.)
What I'm saying is -- if I miss a day or two of posting in the next couple of weeks, don't worry; I'm not dead, just insane. And between the 22nd and the 3rd, you probably shouldn't expect to hear from me at all, though I may manage a post or two via my phone. My twitter account is much more likely to see semi-regular posts, if you find yourself saddened by the silence here.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Struggle
I'm struggling with apathy. Again.
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday of the year. I looked forward to it all year long, dragged out the decorations as soon as Thanksgiving had arrived, and buried myself in the planning and activities with joyous enthusiasm. I loved it all.
This year... I'm not feeling it. There's no excitement to balance out the schedule crunch; there's no delight to make the petty frustrations all worthwhile; there's no thrill to offset the whining. I'm not captivated by the lights or teary-eyed at the music or warmed by the acts of charity. I just. Don't. Care.
Don't care if the house is decorated. Don't care if the presents are all wrapped and under the tree. Don't care if we've got a present for everyone on our list. Don't care if we make it to all the events. Don't care if we see all the specials, read all the books, bake all the cookies, open all the advent doors.
But it's not just Christmas. It's everything. I don't care if I get my work done on time... or at all. Don't care if the bills get paid. Don't care if I finish the story I'm writing. Don't care if I participate in the promotional stuff. Don't care if there's dinner on the table. Don't care if the kids are bathed, don't care if I get a shower.
Don't know why. Am I just tired? Burned out on stress? Midlife crisis? Lack of introvert recharge time? Late-breaking cynicism onset? I don't know. Don't much care about that, either. All I know is that everything's gone grey on me again.
I'm trying to pretend it's all in color. For the kids' sakes, and Matt's, and everyone else. I'm doing my work (mostly on time) and making dinner and taking showers and making lunches and going to the gym. I put up the decorations and I'm lighting the candles and making the treats and opening the doors and listening to the music. Doing the shopping and making the plans and wrapping the presents and playing the games. Taking the pictures and making the cards and struggling with the technical issues.
It's going to blow over, eventually, and when it does, I'll want to know that I didn't screw up anyone else's holidays too badly. So I'm making the effort. As much as I can. But it's a struggle, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it up all the way through the end of the month.
(I lied. It's not all grey. Alex has been eating oddly and complaining of thirst a lot lately and so for a few days there, the grey was tinged with terror, until I finally gave in and tested his blood sugar one morning before he'd eaten. It came up at 81. He's fine. I admit that returning to the grey after that was something of a relief.)
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday of the year. I looked forward to it all year long, dragged out the decorations as soon as Thanksgiving had arrived, and buried myself in the planning and activities with joyous enthusiasm. I loved it all.
This year... I'm not feeling it. There's no excitement to balance out the schedule crunch; there's no delight to make the petty frustrations all worthwhile; there's no thrill to offset the whining. I'm not captivated by the lights or teary-eyed at the music or warmed by the acts of charity. I just. Don't. Care.
Don't care if the house is decorated. Don't care if the presents are all wrapped and under the tree. Don't care if we've got a present for everyone on our list. Don't care if we make it to all the events. Don't care if we see all the specials, read all the books, bake all the cookies, open all the advent doors.
But it's not just Christmas. It's everything. I don't care if I get my work done on time... or at all. Don't care if the bills get paid. Don't care if I finish the story I'm writing. Don't care if I participate in the promotional stuff. Don't care if there's dinner on the table. Don't care if the kids are bathed, don't care if I get a shower.
Don't know why. Am I just tired? Burned out on stress? Midlife crisis? Lack of introvert recharge time? Late-breaking cynicism onset? I don't know. Don't much care about that, either. All I know is that everything's gone grey on me again.
I'm trying to pretend it's all in color. For the kids' sakes, and Matt's, and everyone else. I'm doing my work (mostly on time) and making dinner and taking showers and making lunches and going to the gym. I put up the decorations and I'm lighting the candles and making the treats and opening the doors and listening to the music. Doing the shopping and making the plans and wrapping the presents and playing the games. Taking the pictures and making the cards and struggling with the technical issues.
It's going to blow over, eventually, and when it does, I'll want to know that I didn't screw up anyone else's holidays too badly. So I'm making the effort. As much as I can. But it's a struggle, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it up all the way through the end of the month.
***
(I lied. It's not all grey. Alex has been eating oddly and complaining of thirst a lot lately and so for a few days there, the grey was tinged with terror, until I finally gave in and tested his blood sugar one morning before he'd eaten. It came up at 81. He's fine. I admit that returning to the grey after that was something of a relief.)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Runaround
What an insanely busy weekend! And yet, loads of fun!
Let's see. Friday night, we took the kids out to see The Muppets. It wasn't a perfect movie, but it was a fitting homage to Henson and Oz and the original Muppets. The kids enjoyed it, though Alex was about to turn into a pumpkin on us by the time it ended.
Saturday morning we got up and got dressed right away and headed into town to watch the Christmas parade. Alex found it alternately boring and too loud, but Penny loved it -- her favorite parts were the middle school and high school bands.
When that ended at 10:30, we walked a few blocks up the street and had an early lunch at Wasabi. (They were nice enough to let us in even though they were still setting up and weren't officially open until 11. They got drinks for us and we were grateful just to sit down until they were ready for us.)
After lunch, we got Alex down for a nap and then I ran up to the store for supplies for the moon cookie party, which started around 1:30 or so. It was a smaller group than usual this year (I can't believe KT and Kevin would rather go to Disney World for a week than come to the moon cookie party!) but we had a great time making cookies and chatting. Though for the record, I seriously need to get some more cookie sheets, next year. Waiting on cookies to bake is a huge hold-up!
When that was done, we all went out to eat at La Tolteca, where Adin's sister met up with us, and then we trooped over to Braz and Adin's to put the kids to bed and have a seven-player game of Cards Against Humanity. (Adin's sister is sweet and giggly and precious, and also? has an incredibly filthy mind. I approve. A lot.)
Sunday morning, Matt threatened the kids with mayhem so that I could sleep in until almost 9. Then we got everyone dressed in their new Christmas clothes (or in Matt's and my cases, our old Christmas clothes) and we went down to New Town to visit Santa and take pictures. They had a different guy playing Santa this year, but he was nearly as good with the kids. A new thing they've got going this year is that if there isn't a line (which there wasn't, for us -- I can never quite believe it) Santa would read a story to the kids. Which was pure awesome.
After our visit with Santa, we went out for lunch at Ruby Tuesday, then went home so Alex could crash into a nap. While he was out, Penny and I wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents and put them under the tree (Alex woke up in time to help with the last few) and then we all piled in the car and went to Busch Gardens to see Christmastown, which I have missed for the last few years and was determined to see this time.
I have to say, I loved it. And the weather was perfect -- brisk enough to add to the "winter wonderland" atmosphere without being so cold that it was unpleasant to be outdoors. I do sort of wish that Matt and I could go back without the kids, because it would be nice to a) sample some of the tasty treats without having to worry about the diabetic in tow, b) stay at the park later than Alex's bedtime, and c) stroll along and look at everything at our own pace, without having to deal with assorted whines about being bored/hungry/tired and wanting to go right now to the favorite show or ride.
After all that standing and walking and picture-taking, my back and hips are killing me today, but it was totally worth it. I got lots of fun pictures to use for our Christmas cards and the calendar for next year, and the kids had a great time, even if they were both getting a little tired and out of sorts by the end of it. (I can relate, as I was getting a little tired and out of sorts as well...)
I'm hoping to recover some of my aplomb this week -- there's not much happening at work until Thursday, and I've got 7 hours of what my office calls discretionary/holiday time (I'd been saving it all year for the day after Thanksgiving, but wound up working most of that day, so I still have it left over) that I have to use-or-lose by the 16th. So I'm looking at taking some extra time off -- either two half-days or one full day -- to wrap up my Christmas shopping and work on my writing and generally try to relax and recoup my holiday spirit, which has been badly frazzled by my perception of the schedule, this year.
Let's see. Friday night, we took the kids out to see The Muppets. It wasn't a perfect movie, but it was a fitting homage to Henson and Oz and the original Muppets. The kids enjoyed it, though Alex was about to turn into a pumpkin on us by the time it ended.
Saturday morning we got up and got dressed right away and headed into town to watch the Christmas parade. Alex found it alternately boring and too loud, but Penny loved it -- her favorite parts were the middle school and high school bands.
 |
| Waiting for the parade |
When that ended at 10:30, we walked a few blocks up the street and had an early lunch at Wasabi. (They were nice enough to let us in even though they were still setting up and weren't officially open until 11. They got drinks for us and we were grateful just to sit down until they were ready for us.)
After lunch, we got Alex down for a nap and then I ran up to the store for supplies for the moon cookie party, which started around 1:30 or so. It was a smaller group than usual this year (I can't believe KT and Kevin would rather go to Disney World for a week than come to the moon cookie party!) but we had a great time making cookies and chatting. Though for the record, I seriously need to get some more cookie sheets, next year. Waiting on cookies to bake is a huge hold-up!
When that was done, we all went out to eat at La Tolteca, where Adin's sister met up with us, and then we trooped over to Braz and Adin's to put the kids to bed and have a seven-player game of Cards Against Humanity. (Adin's sister is sweet and giggly and precious, and also? has an incredibly filthy mind. I approve. A lot.)
Sunday morning, Matt threatened the kids with mayhem so that I could sleep in until almost 9. Then we got everyone dressed in their new Christmas clothes (or in Matt's and my cases, our old Christmas clothes) and we went down to New Town to visit Santa and take pictures. They had a different guy playing Santa this year, but he was nearly as good with the kids. A new thing they've got going this year is that if there isn't a line (which there wasn't, for us -- I can never quite believe it) Santa would read a story to the kids. Which was pure awesome.
 |
| Santa and Penny peruse her list |
 |
| Santa reading to the kids |
I have to say, I loved it. And the weather was perfect -- brisk enough to add to the "winter wonderland" atmosphere without being so cold that it was unpleasant to be outdoors. I do sort of wish that Matt and I could go back without the kids, because it would be nice to a) sample some of the tasty treats without having to worry about the diabetic in tow, b) stay at the park later than Alex's bedtime, and c) stroll along and look at everything at our own pace, without having to deal with assorted whines about being bored/hungry/tired and wanting to go right now to the favorite show or ride.
After all that standing and walking and picture-taking, my back and hips are killing me today, but it was totally worth it. I got lots of fun pictures to use for our Christmas cards and the calendar for next year, and the kids had a great time, even if they were both getting a little tired and out of sorts by the end of it. (I can relate, as I was getting a little tired and out of sorts as well...)
I'm hoping to recover some of my aplomb this week -- there's not much happening at work until Thursday, and I've got 7 hours of what my office calls discretionary/holiday time (I'd been saving it all year for the day after Thanksgiving, but wound up working most of that day, so I still have it left over) that I have to use-or-lose by the 16th. So I'm looking at taking some extra time off -- either two half-days or one full day -- to wrap up my Christmas shopping and work on my writing and generally try to relax and recoup my holiday spirit, which has been badly frazzled by my perception of the schedule, this year.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Quietude
The office is a little quiet today. I'm not quite sure why. Most people taking long vacations around Thanksgiving won't leave until this weekend. Some of the local schools have a teacher workday today, so a few people could be working from home, but it shouldn't count for that many. I know a couple of the managers are on the road for work.
I guess it just all adds up. And the result is that the office is a little quiet. We don't have any deliveries to do today. There's only one delivery for next week. Things in the office are... slow.
In direct contrast, things at home are heating up for the holidays. I've got shopping to do. Thanksgiving dinner to plan. And cook. Gifts to order and wrap and ship. Decorating to do. More shopping. Cleaning (and more cleaning, and more cleaning...)
Pictures to take, cards to lay out and order. Events to plan and host and attend. Notes to write.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not unhappy. I love this stuff. I love seeing the house decorated for Christmas; I love shopping; I love visiting with friends and family and doing fun things together. I even love planning and cooking big meals like Thanksgiving (occasionally). (The cleaning, not so much, I admit.)
But it does add a big helping of crazy and stress to my days.
Which makes me appreciate these quiet days at the office that much more. I can pause. Sip my coffee. Close my eyes and take a deep breath.
And then fire up the browser and get a jump on some of that shopping.
I guess it just all adds up. And the result is that the office is a little quiet. We don't have any deliveries to do today. There's only one delivery for next week. Things in the office are... slow.
In direct contrast, things at home are heating up for the holidays. I've got shopping to do. Thanksgiving dinner to plan. And cook. Gifts to order and wrap and ship. Decorating to do. More shopping. Cleaning (and more cleaning, and more cleaning...)
Pictures to take, cards to lay out and order. Events to plan and host and attend. Notes to write.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not unhappy. I love this stuff. I love seeing the house decorated for Christmas; I love shopping; I love visiting with friends and family and doing fun things together. I even love planning and cooking big meals like Thanksgiving (occasionally). (The cleaning, not so much, I admit.)
But it does add a big helping of crazy and stress to my days.
Which makes me appreciate these quiet days at the office that much more. I can pause. Sip my coffee. Close my eyes and take a deep breath.
And then fire up the browser and get a jump on some of that shopping.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Slip Sliding Away
I've been giving some thought to trying to find a therapist again. The therapist I tried before just wanted me to lose weight and improve my sex life and neither of those things were at the root of my problems. I quit seeing her because I was so angry that she seemed to think these things mattered and were not merely symptoms of the real problems.
But even if I found a therapist I could trust, I don't know how much they could do for me. Because I suspect I've kind of got a handle on the root of the problem, and the real difficulty is that I don't really know what to do to fix it.
I mean, it's not really much of a secret that I hate my job.
Looking for a new job isn't much of an answer, because it's a pretty specific hate: I don't hate the office I'm in. I love the people I work with. I love the office location. I love where I am. I just hate what I do. It feels... unnecessary. Un-useful. I spend a lot of time not doing anything at all, and I'm fairly certain that not too many of my co-workers have even noticed. Even when things are hopping and I'm insanely busy, it's a pointless kind of busy. I'm doing paperwork that no one (not even me) gives a shit about or will ever look at again. I could live with the administrivia if there were a balancing element where I really get to feel like I'm doing something that would be missed if I left (aside from, "who the hell is going to do all this paperwork now?")
I hate it. I hate feeling pointless. I hate doing busy-work.
I think about changing careers. I think about it daily. More than daily; I think about it practically every waking hour. But the jobs that actually appeal to me right now (Teaching. Editing. Writing.) would cut my salary by half, or even more than that... and even though I know we could financially make that work, as a family -- not many people would hire someone who's looking to cut their salary to a third of what it currently is. Because honestly, why would someone do that? It looks weird.
And I think about how I'm not exactly a spring chicken. I'm not some kid only a few years out of college, still trying on lots of different jobs while I look for the one that's right for me. I'm nearly 40. I have a family that depends on my salary, including the diabetic who needs the security of two sets of medical insurance, in case (in this crap economy) one suddenly goes away. (Oddly, that weighs on me a lot despite the fact that Penny has never actually been on my medical insurance. She's only covered on Matt's. But the tech industry is prone to random and sudden layoffs, and so I feel it's important for there to be the potential for a second insurance to pick up the slack. Just in case.)
So I'm not young, and changing careers at this point feels just... completely insane. And yet... and yet... I can't retire for at least another 25 years. Twenty. Five. Years. Even if I thought about just waiting until Penny's out of school and out on her own -- that's fourteen or fifteen years, at a minimum. Could I do this for another fifteen or twenty-five years?
I'm not sure I could. The mere thought makes me feel grey and drained and broken.
Some days I actually wish I would get laid off. It would be terrible and stressful and frustrating and... oh so very freeing. But I won't. If this office were to fall apart, I'd probably be among the last 10 people to get shoved out the door, right before they shut the office down entirely. Job security is supposed to feel good.
I feel trapped. I'm running along the edge of a cliff and if my life was the only one at risk, I might be able to shut my eyes and step off into the abyss, but... it's not.
A therapist is not going to be able to tell me how to fix my job so I don't hate it. Or to find a new one without exposing my family to needless risk.
(Another grey and crazy post. I must be PMSing.)
But even if I found a therapist I could trust, I don't know how much they could do for me. Because I suspect I've kind of got a handle on the root of the problem, and the real difficulty is that I don't really know what to do to fix it.
I mean, it's not really much of a secret that I hate my job.
Looking for a new job isn't much of an answer, because it's a pretty specific hate: I don't hate the office I'm in. I love the people I work with. I love the office location. I love where I am. I just hate what I do. It feels... unnecessary. Un-useful. I spend a lot of time not doing anything at all, and I'm fairly certain that not too many of my co-workers have even noticed. Even when things are hopping and I'm insanely busy, it's a pointless kind of busy. I'm doing paperwork that no one (not even me) gives a shit about or will ever look at again. I could live with the administrivia if there were a balancing element where I really get to feel like I'm doing something that would be missed if I left (aside from, "who the hell is going to do all this paperwork now?")
I hate it. I hate feeling pointless. I hate doing busy-work.
I think about changing careers. I think about it daily. More than daily; I think about it practically every waking hour. But the jobs that actually appeal to me right now (Teaching. Editing. Writing.) would cut my salary by half, or even more than that... and even though I know we could financially make that work, as a family -- not many people would hire someone who's looking to cut their salary to a third of what it currently is. Because honestly, why would someone do that? It looks weird.
And I think about how I'm not exactly a spring chicken. I'm not some kid only a few years out of college, still trying on lots of different jobs while I look for the one that's right for me. I'm nearly 40. I have a family that depends on my salary, including the diabetic who needs the security of two sets of medical insurance, in case (in this crap economy) one suddenly goes away. (Oddly, that weighs on me a lot despite the fact that Penny has never actually been on my medical insurance. She's only covered on Matt's. But the tech industry is prone to random and sudden layoffs, and so I feel it's important for there to be the potential for a second insurance to pick up the slack. Just in case.)
So I'm not young, and changing careers at this point feels just... completely insane. And yet... and yet... I can't retire for at least another 25 years. Twenty. Five. Years. Even if I thought about just waiting until Penny's out of school and out on her own -- that's fourteen or fifteen years, at a minimum. Could I do this for another fifteen or twenty-five years?
I'm not sure I could. The mere thought makes me feel grey and drained and broken.
Some days I actually wish I would get laid off. It would be terrible and stressful and frustrating and... oh so very freeing. But I won't. If this office were to fall apart, I'd probably be among the last 10 people to get shoved out the door, right before they shut the office down entirely. Job security is supposed to feel good.
I feel trapped. I'm running along the edge of a cliff and if my life was the only one at risk, I might be able to shut my eyes and step off into the abyss, but... it's not.
A therapist is not going to be able to tell me how to fix my job so I don't hate it. Or to find a new one without exposing my family to needless risk.
(Another grey and crazy post. I must be PMSing.)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Grump
My throat hurts.
I'm not sure whether the prime culprit is the allergies or the yelling at Miss Argues With Everything.
(No, seriously. The morning involved this conversation: "I swear, Penny, if you don't stop with the attitude and the arguing, I am going to tape your mouth shut." "There isn't any tape in the car." Having already been goaded to the point of threats, where else was I supposed to go except yelling?)
Can I get a do-over on the day?
I keep my assorted doctor's appointment cards taped to my printer at work. Right now, there are appointments for March 22, April 21, and June 22. Apparently, I need to make an appointment for May 21 or 22, just to keep the pattern solid.
I bought Joey Comeau's latest book last week but I haven't started reading it yet. Because Joey's style is so strong that I'm afraid it will take me over and I'll end up writing like him for a while. And while I love his writing, it doesn't match mine, and it would make whatever I write feel odd, when it's done, with my usual style rolling along and suddenly a patch of this terse, reflective prose populated by brilliantly dysfunctional characters... It would be weird. So I've got the book and I'm reading the individual pieces he's posting on his blog.
Which is a little weird. Which, I can't help but think, makes me more or less Joey's perfect audience.
I'm not sure whether the prime culprit is the allergies or the yelling at Miss Argues With Everything.
(No, seriously. The morning involved this conversation: "I swear, Penny, if you don't stop with the attitude and the arguing, I am going to tape your mouth shut." "There isn't any tape in the car." Having already been goaded to the point of threats, where else was I supposed to go except yelling?)
Can I get a do-over on the day?
***
I keep my assorted doctor's appointment cards taped to my printer at work. Right now, there are appointments for March 22, April 21, and June 22. Apparently, I need to make an appointment for May 21 or 22, just to keep the pattern solid.
***
I bought Joey Comeau's latest book last week but I haven't started reading it yet. Because Joey's style is so strong that I'm afraid it will take me over and I'll end up writing like him for a while. And while I love his writing, it doesn't match mine, and it would make whatever I write feel odd, when it's done, with my usual style rolling along and suddenly a patch of this terse, reflective prose populated by brilliantly dysfunctional characters... It would be weird. So I've got the book and I'm reading the individual pieces he's posting on his blog.
Which is a little weird. Which, I can't help but think, makes me more or less Joey's perfect audience.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Bzz Bzz
Busy as bees, we are.
I've got a software delivery today at work. Also, I'm meeting Matt and Adin for lunch. (Need to research nutrition info before I go...)
Tomorrow afternoon, Jess is coming over to spend the night with Penny.
We're still riding herd on Alex and the potty training. (He's great as long as we remind him to go every half-hour or 45 minutes, but if we don't, he ignores it until it's too late.)
We're two weeks from Penny's spring break, which is when I was thinking would be a good time for Matt and I to take her over to the courthouse to apply for her passport, but that means I need to get a move on with the downloading the form and making sure I know where all the assorted papers are.
Also, I need to verify with the daycare that they're good to take her that week.
I've got several checks I need to deposit and/or cash, so I need to go to the bank in the worst way.
I'm working on a story but it hasn't quite clicked for me yet, so I'm dragging words out that I suspect are going to be deleted later. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to drag them out, either. (But at least the editing is at a lull at the moment -- only one story in that queue, and it's not due until May.)
I've got 10 emails in my personal Inbox which require some sort of response or action from me, and 3 in my work Inbox. (For obvious reasons, I stay a little more on top of the work email.)
If my schedule gets much more crowded, I'm going to need to start charting time to breathe.
I've got a software delivery today at work. Also, I'm meeting Matt and Adin for lunch. (Need to research nutrition info before I go...)
Tomorrow afternoon, Jess is coming over to spend the night with Penny.
We're still riding herd on Alex and the potty training. (He's great as long as we remind him to go every half-hour or 45 minutes, but if we don't, he ignores it until it's too late.)
We're two weeks from Penny's spring break, which is when I was thinking would be a good time for Matt and I to take her over to the courthouse to apply for her passport, but that means I need to get a move on with the downloading the form and making sure I know where all the assorted papers are.
Also, I need to verify with the daycare that they're good to take her that week.
I've got several checks I need to deposit and/or cash, so I need to go to the bank in the worst way.
I'm working on a story but it hasn't quite clicked for me yet, so I'm dragging words out that I suspect are going to be deleted later. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to drag them out, either. (But at least the editing is at a lull at the moment -- only one story in that queue, and it's not due until May.)
I've got 10 emails in my personal Inbox which require some sort of response or action from me, and 3 in my work Inbox. (For obvious reasons, I stay a little more on top of the work email.)
If my schedule gets much more crowded, I'm going to need to start charting time to breathe.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
PMS
I realized something a bit odd yesterday.
About two years ago, I was having these horrible mood swings. I mean, really, really horrible. I seriously contemplated running away on several occasions. At the worst point of the downswings, I was utterly convinced that my marriage and every friendship I had was failing, and the only reason I hadn't already been abandoned was that everyone was too nice and couldn't figure out how to tell me to just fuck off, already.
In the upswings, I knew those feelings were irrational; that I wasn't perfect but neither was anyone else, and that my friends and family loved me well enough.
It got to where I could recognize an oncoming downswing by the preceding few days of increasing restlessness. I would try to warn Matt that it was coming, and pile my most depressing books by the bed, hoping to bleed off the depression under controlled circumstances.
Eventually, I finally realized that the downswing was linked into my menstrual cycle. That wasn't as obvious as you might think it should be, because the birth control I went on after Alex was born did strange things to me. It turned out I was still having the same monthly hormonal cycles, but only having an actual period every sixty to ninety days. There were also some other confusing factors, like what I still believe was a mild case of post-partum depression, and the stress of trying to adjust to a second kid and a new diabetic, and the additional stress of an insanely tight schedule.
I wound up in therapy for a short while, until I got frustrated with the therapist's obsession with my weight and my sex life. After I realized it was linked to my cycle, I complained about it to my OB, and he made a few suggestions. Those helped a little. The passage of time helped more, as the PPD passed and I adjusted somewhat to the stress factors.
The last six months or so, I've been feeling pretty good most of the time. No crazy crying jags. No sudden impulses to pack a bag and flee forever. Occasional ups and downs, of course, but that's just life. Nothing really out of the ordinary.
Except that for someone who's always been an introvert, I've been going through these irregular phases of not just wanting social interaction, but craving it.
I'm in the middle of one, right now. I almost made myself crazy this past weekend because I wanted to go out and do something, but Matt's suggestions of taking the kids to the library or park weren't doing it for me. I clung to the hope of Rock Band Night on Monday, only to be disappointed when it fell through. Another thing fell through for later this week, and I was beginning to actually feel upset about it -- when I realized that this restlessness is exactly like the restlessness that preceded those emotional downswings.
Apparently, I've replaced the emotional nadir of PMS with a driving, insatiable need for social contact.
Hey, it's progress.
About two years ago, I was having these horrible mood swings. I mean, really, really horrible. I seriously contemplated running away on several occasions. At the worst point of the downswings, I was utterly convinced that my marriage and every friendship I had was failing, and the only reason I hadn't already been abandoned was that everyone was too nice and couldn't figure out how to tell me to just fuck off, already.
In the upswings, I knew those feelings were irrational; that I wasn't perfect but neither was anyone else, and that my friends and family loved me well enough.
It got to where I could recognize an oncoming downswing by the preceding few days of increasing restlessness. I would try to warn Matt that it was coming, and pile my most depressing books by the bed, hoping to bleed off the depression under controlled circumstances.
Eventually, I finally realized that the downswing was linked into my menstrual cycle. That wasn't as obvious as you might think it should be, because the birth control I went on after Alex was born did strange things to me. It turned out I was still having the same monthly hormonal cycles, but only having an actual period every sixty to ninety days. There were also some other confusing factors, like what I still believe was a mild case of post-partum depression, and the stress of trying to adjust to a second kid and a new diabetic, and the additional stress of an insanely tight schedule.
I wound up in therapy for a short while, until I got frustrated with the therapist's obsession with my weight and my sex life. After I realized it was linked to my cycle, I complained about it to my OB, and he made a few suggestions. Those helped a little. The passage of time helped more, as the PPD passed and I adjusted somewhat to the stress factors.
The last six months or so, I've been feeling pretty good most of the time. No crazy crying jags. No sudden impulses to pack a bag and flee forever. Occasional ups and downs, of course, but that's just life. Nothing really out of the ordinary.
Except that for someone who's always been an introvert, I've been going through these irregular phases of not just wanting social interaction, but craving it.
I'm in the middle of one, right now. I almost made myself crazy this past weekend because I wanted to go out and do something, but Matt's suggestions of taking the kids to the library or park weren't doing it for me. I clung to the hope of Rock Band Night on Monday, only to be disappointed when it fell through. Another thing fell through for later this week, and I was beginning to actually feel upset about it -- when I realized that this restlessness is exactly like the restlessness that preceded those emotional downswings.
Apparently, I've replaced the emotional nadir of PMS with a driving, insatiable need for social contact.
Hey, it's progress.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Plod
I'm plodding through everything at the moment.
Plodding through work so I can get home.
Plodding through making dinner so I can eat.
Plodding through cleanup and making lunches so I can sit down and relax.
Plodding through the kids' bedtime routines so I can take my shower and get fifteen minutes to myself.
Even sometimes plodding through my evenings so I can just get to bed.
I've always been someone who endured work rather than enjoyed it, but just lately I'm spending an awful lot of my personal time enduring, as well. And I'm not sure why.
It's not every day. I felt fine yesterday. I was even feeling moderately challenged and fired up for work. But today I feel like I'm wading through mud.
It's not PMS -- hormones should have me on the upswing, this week. Is it lack of sleep? Some shift in my diet? The aftereffects of some dream I can't remember? A need for coffee? Vitamins?
Whatever it is, I need to shake it off and reacquire some enthusiasm for at least some portion of my life.
Plodding through work so I can get home.
Plodding through making dinner so I can eat.
Plodding through cleanup and making lunches so I can sit down and relax.
Plodding through the kids' bedtime routines so I can take my shower and get fifteen minutes to myself.
Even sometimes plodding through my evenings so I can just get to bed.
I've always been someone who endured work rather than enjoyed it, but just lately I'm spending an awful lot of my personal time enduring, as well. And I'm not sure why.
It's not every day. I felt fine yesterday. I was even feeling moderately challenged and fired up for work. But today I feel like I'm wading through mud.
It's not PMS -- hormones should have me on the upswing, this week. Is it lack of sleep? Some shift in my diet? The aftereffects of some dream I can't remember? A need for coffee? Vitamins?
Whatever it is, I need to shake it off and reacquire some enthusiasm for at least some portion of my life.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Quickly
I had a really cute story to tell this morning. A prime example of 6-year-old logic at its most circular and tautological. Naturally, however, in the fifteen minutes it took me to drop Penny off at school and drive to work, I've forgotten what it was.
I'm so glad it's Friday. This week has felt insanely long.
I'm equally glad we don't have any particular plans for the weekend, though I do have some errands I need to run. And I'll need to work in a trip to the gym Saturday evening or Sunday, because I'm taking Monday off. I have an appointment for a massage, and I thought I might go to the movies, and if there's time in the middle, I might do some shopping. At any rate, it will be time spent all on me. It won't be a reboot, but it should at least be a refresh.
I'm so glad it's Friday. This week has felt insanely long.
I'm equally glad we don't have any particular plans for the weekend, though I do have some errands I need to run. And I'll need to work in a trip to the gym Saturday evening or Sunday, because I'm taking Monday off. I have an appointment for a massage, and I thought I might go to the movies, and if there's time in the middle, I might do some shopping. At any rate, it will be time spent all on me. It won't be a reboot, but it should at least be a refresh.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Reboot
I need a reboot. My memory is firing randomly and losing critical instructions. I've got data corruption in my stored files. I'm spinning up during sleep cycles, which just makes me sluggish when it's time to power on. I need to shut all the way down, let all the little impulses discharge and clear, and then do a slow boot and run some optimization routines.
Alas, that takes time I don't have.
So I'm having lunch with Matt today, which I'm looking forward to. And I think I'm going to take Monday off from work and enjoy some me-time. Preferably out of the house. Go shopping or to the movies or get a massage or something.
Which is less of a "reboot" and more of a "shut down all applications and hope they release excess memory" but I'll take what I can get.
Alas, that takes time I don't have.
So I'm having lunch with Matt today, which I'm looking forward to. And I think I'm going to take Monday off from work and enjoy some me-time. Preferably out of the house. Go shopping or to the movies or get a massage or something.
Which is less of a "reboot" and more of a "shut down all applications and hope they release excess memory" but I'll take what I can get.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Borrowed and Lent
I mentioned on Twitter that I was thinking of giving up something for Lent, this year.
"But you're not Catholic. You're not even religious." I got that from several different people.
And as far as it goes, that's true. But let's face it: I'm pretty sure most of the people celebrating Mardi Gras yesterday weren't Catholic, either. And just because I'm not religious doesn't mean I'm not spiritual. My borrowing Lent would hardly be the first time that a religion's observances and rituals have been co-opted for some other purpose.
That purpose, for me, is to try to examine some of my habits and figure out which ones are not merely unnecessary, but actively harmful. To remind myself that I can do without some things that I tend to treat as vital -- and might even be better off without them.
I considered a lot of options. Several of them were in support of my diet: junk food, or soda, or snacks after dinner, or red meat. Some of them were in support of my workday productivity: Twitter or Gmail chat or webcomics or blogs. And some of them were in support of my personal productivity: Facebook games or television or books that I've already read (as opposed to ones I'm reading for the first time).
That's a lot of options to consider. So how do I pick? How do I even narrow it down?
Well. The point is to stretch myself, to prove something to myself. Most of the things on that list are things that I already know I can do without. Intellectually, of course, I know I can do without any of them. I'm talking about that inner knowing -- if I consider cutting something out, how much does it bother me?
My strongest reaction -- by a lot -- was to the notion of dropping my Facebook games. Which kind of surprised me. I mean... stupid Facebook Flash games? But when I first thought about giving up Facebook entirely for Lent, my initial reaction was not, "But I'll miss all those status notes and links and pictures!" It was, without hyperbole, a moment of actual panic for the lost opportunities to earn pretend money with which to buy pretend stuff.
And if I'm experiencing panic over that -- however fleeting -- then maybe it's time to draw the line and remind myself that they are stupid games and that the world will not end if I fail to collect my daily "pay" or happen to miss a month's special items or even let my pretend baby animals starve. So I may still be checking Facebook from time to time and using it as a communication tool, but between now and Easter, I'm not playing any Facebook games. Not the ones I'm already embedded in, and not starting any new ones.
(I'm also giving up evening snacks. Doesn't matter how many points I have left in a day, if I haven't used them by 7pm, they're gone. But that's less of a spiritual examination and more of a horrified reaction to what I saw on the scale this morning, and it's only strictly in force until I've lost the weight I gained this week, whether that takes the whole length of Lent or not.)
"But you're not Catholic. You're not even religious." I got that from several different people.
And as far as it goes, that's true. But let's face it: I'm pretty sure most of the people celebrating Mardi Gras yesterday weren't Catholic, either. And just because I'm not religious doesn't mean I'm not spiritual. My borrowing Lent would hardly be the first time that a religion's observances and rituals have been co-opted for some other purpose.
That purpose, for me, is to try to examine some of my habits and figure out which ones are not merely unnecessary, but actively harmful. To remind myself that I can do without some things that I tend to treat as vital -- and might even be better off without them.
I considered a lot of options. Several of them were in support of my diet: junk food, or soda, or snacks after dinner, or red meat. Some of them were in support of my workday productivity: Twitter or Gmail chat or webcomics or blogs. And some of them were in support of my personal productivity: Facebook games or television or books that I've already read (as opposed to ones I'm reading for the first time).
That's a lot of options to consider. So how do I pick? How do I even narrow it down?
Well. The point is to stretch myself, to prove something to myself. Most of the things on that list are things that I already know I can do without. Intellectually, of course, I know I can do without any of them. I'm talking about that inner knowing -- if I consider cutting something out, how much does it bother me?
My strongest reaction -- by a lot -- was to the notion of dropping my Facebook games. Which kind of surprised me. I mean... stupid Facebook Flash games? But when I first thought about giving up Facebook entirely for Lent, my initial reaction was not, "But I'll miss all those status notes and links and pictures!" It was, without hyperbole, a moment of actual panic for the lost opportunities to earn pretend money with which to buy pretend stuff.
And if I'm experiencing panic over that -- however fleeting -- then maybe it's time to draw the line and remind myself that they are stupid games and that the world will not end if I fail to collect my daily "pay" or happen to miss a month's special items or even let my pretend baby animals starve. So I may still be checking Facebook from time to time and using it as a communication tool, but between now and Easter, I'm not playing any Facebook games. Not the ones I'm already embedded in, and not starting any new ones.
(I'm also giving up evening snacks. Doesn't matter how many points I have left in a day, if I haven't used them by 7pm, they're gone. But that's less of a spiritual examination and more of a horrified reaction to what I saw on the scale this morning, and it's only strictly in force until I've lost the weight I gained this week, whether that takes the whole length of Lent or not.)
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