Thursday, June 22, 2000

22 June 2000

Okay, so no one ever actually uses the forum anymore, so I'm going to chuck it. If you have any objections, then for petesake use the damn thing.


Right. So I actually have some work to do at work today - a week and a half after I'd gone as far as I could, I finally got some new specs to work with.

So I didn't bring any of the books I've been reading and studying to work with me today. I have no illusions that this will actually induce me to actually do the work, but it might get me a little closer.


I know; this is kindof scatterbrained. I swear, if I didn't know better I'd think I was PMS'ing. I've been touchy and irritable and easily upset for several days now. My self-esteem is through the floor, and thinking about how great I felt last week only makes it worse. I'm taking things personally that I probably shouldn't (like K.T.'s negative attitude or the dearth of mail in my Inbox) and overreacting to the things that were directed to me.

Matt spent yesterday evening hovering worriedly because he could tell I was brooding. How do I explain that I know something's not all that important but that I'm going to brood about it anyway without sounding like a complete moron? No, I didn't think you could, either.

Damn it all, I want to be a reasonably well-adjusted human being.

To make matters worse, Karen is going to show up this evening around 5:30 or 6, and Braz and Kris will arrive somewhen around 9 or 10, and I'll want to laugh and joke and smile and have a good time with my friends. Maybe I'll spend today working on an attitude adjustment.


Sorry if this was a downer of an entry. I just suck today.


Word of the Day: abeyance - temporary inactivity; suspension

Does it ever seem to you that life is paused? I was in high school; I was in college; and now life is in abeyance until I decide what it is I want to be when I grow up. Five years almost I've been a programmer, and the longer I do it, the more I know I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. But where do I want to go? Do I want to take the track a lot of programmers take and move into management? I was a task lead once at 3GI, but apparently I sucked at it because they never let me be in charge of anything again after that. (Without, of course, telling me why I sucked so I could try to improve. I hate that.)

I love the idea of teaching, but the pay is so awful, and the politics are worse. Sometimes I think I'd enjoy teaching corporate seminars, but I have no idea how to break into that line of work. This area isn't exactly ideal for that kind of thing anyway.

I envy the people I work with sometimes. They love what they do. They're getting paid to do what they love most. That's wonderful. Me? It's just a job. It pays the bills and provides extra money for luxuries. If I won the lottery, I'd quit in a heartbeat. I can't think of a way to pay the bills doing the things I love to do. Too bad for me, huh?


[11:45 am] I love you guys, I really do. I post this kindof whiney, pathetic entry, and I get mail from people asking me to cheer up pretty please and giving me virtual teddy bears to hug (Jeff is so cool!) and everything.

So the upshot of it is that I'm feeling loved and happy and ready to have a really good weekend. Bonus points for a good weekend go to Random, who doesn't even read this journal unless I don't feel like telling a story twice and just point him to a page. He came in this morning with the announcement that he's traded in his truck for a Mazda Miata convertible, and he promised me a ride. Whoo-hoo!

I just wanted to let you all know I was feeling happier now.

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