Fa-la-la

My mom has decided that she is Not Doing Christmas this year.

I knew she was feeling a little burned out when, a few months ago, she threatened to just write everyone a check for their Christmas present, and leave it at that.

Then last week, at brunch at my brother's, she sort of pushed along the concept that, instead of drawing names, even, we just wouldn't do presents for the adults this year. I agreed, sort of on the assumption that she was trying to make things a bit easier on us all, economically.

But then I found out that she's not even planning to decorate for Christmas this year. No tree, nothing. "We're not going to be here for Christmas, and it'll just be the one day that y'all are here after Christmas," she said. "It's a lot of work for just one day."

...Because she can't enjoy the decorations without us being there?

I haven't dared to ask her if she's planning anything for the family Christmas dinner (which will be on New Year's Day), for fear that she'll just shrug and suggest steak and baked potatoes, which is what my parents always serve at family dinners. It's good -- I love me some steak and potatoes -- but it's not festive.

I understand about feeling burned out. I get that she's had to host my high-maintenance grandmother every freaking year for the last four years, and I sympathize.

But I also feel kind of let down.

It's not about the presents. Well, a little of it is about the presents, but not in the gifts themselves, but it's about the enjoyment of giving gifts. I'm not really going to miss the stuff, I'm going to miss the anticipation and the opening rituals. I'll miss the dozen candles on the mantle, I'll miss the tree, I'll miss the little decorations all over the house, even though I'm only going to be there the one day.

When I was little, Mom was the Christmas advocate. She loved everything about the holiday -- decorating and music and making cookies and... everything. And this year, it's going to slip by, almost entirely unnoticed.

We're not putting up a tree this year -- Alex is not quite old enough that I can train him to keep his hands off. (He still beelines for the cat's food dish whenever he gets the chance, for petesake.) But when I realized my parents weren't decorating, it became suddenly very important for me to decorate. I put up my usual collection of lights, but it doesn't feel like enough. I want to go to the store and get wreaths for all the windows, stand-up displays for the yard, light-up candy canes to line the driveway... I want to get the ladder out and deck our porch eaves and the roof. I want color and light and Christmas.

I don't know if I'll do all that. But by the gods, I'm getting Christmas presents for everyone. Whether they want them or not.