So I hear that one of my JavaScript code snippets is giving some people a hard time - an error message pop-up. If you're having this problem, please get a screen capture of the error message and send it to me so I can try to fix it. Though I'd just like to say that the problem seems to be occurring in SiteMeter's code, not mine.
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Of course, sending me mail could be tricky. My office yesterday switched over to using Exchange server for not only inter-office but also internet mail. Despite the loud protests from my officemate, who used to run the mail server, and from our IS department, who knows that Exchange is a piece of excrement. But it's got some features that would admittedly be very nice if the damn program worked, and the Senior VP wanted them, and so the edict came down from On High that we will use Exchange.
Jeremy offered to set things up on a Linux box so that those of us who refuse to use Outlook for our mail can continue using Netscape Messenger and Eudora and whatever other e-mail client makes us happy - he's set up a box to run fetchmail every so often to grab all of our mail off of the Exchange server and put it in normal mail accounts. We had already been doing this anyway so we could get inter-office mail without having to run Outlook, and didn't think it would be a big problem. When the mail server switched from being a Linux box to being the Exchange server, there were some issues with resetting our mail profiles to point to the new Linux box, and we had to change our fetchmail batch files to match the new logins.
I couldn't get mail from home last night and only figured out this morning that it's because the IS department still hasn't gotten around to changing my login id - according to that, I'm not married yet. I went into my fetchmail batch and changed the userid from lbrooks to lluck, and everything downloaded just fine...
Except that the Exchange server is down, and so no new mail has come in all night.
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Half an hour later, and things are worse than they were before. If you want to send me mail for the next few days, use this address, or try to reach me on AOL Instant Messenger (name LizLBrooks).
If we get things working, I'll try to write something worth writing about... Sorry.
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11:30 am: Okay, I think things are working. Mostly. I won't bother listing the problems and fixes; they'd just be boring to you, I'm sure.
I even think I found and fixed the JavaScript problem, so if you have any problems, let me know promptly!
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On the radio this morning, they said that trick-or-treating is not going to be moved to Saturday night. That's something of a relief for me - now we won't have to worry about trick-or-treaters while we're setting up for our party on Saturday.
I'm getting excited about this weekend. ("Getting??!?", I hear Matt exclaim.) I'm even excited about the preparations - Friday night I'll make brownies, and Saturday afternoon I'll make meringue kisses. (I was going to do that the other way around, but Matt said I had to wait until Saturday to make the meringue kisses so that there would actually be some left for the party.) I'm trying to decide whether I want to make a couple of pitchers of pre-mixed drinks in advance (bloody marys and tom collins, if you're curious - my two favorite alcoholic drinks) and keep them in the fridge. I'm also trying to decide if I want to make ghost cookies, and when we should get and cut up the cheese for cheese and crackers...
Excited. Yeah.
There's a bit of work to be done on Saturday as well - we've still got two half-unpacked boxes in the main living area, and my dad's drill box on the floor in the living room. We'll need to clean all the day-to-day crap off the bar (that's where we dump mail that isn't bills or trash) and re-arrange the furniture. I'm pretty sure we'll need to buy more plates and napkins, too. Hmm. Maybe we should do that tonight, because by Saturday everything will be gone...
Yeah. Excited. I'm wearing a glow-in-the-dark ghost sticker on my chest today. Tomorrow it'll be the make-your-own jack-o-lantern sticker I got from the dentist.
You think this is bad, wait until Christmas rolls around...
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2:00 pm: Okay, I've been feeling introspective this afternoon, and this is the place to let it out, I guess.
I've been thinking, lately, of trying to do something with my hair.
Over the past six months or so, I've been working toward self-acceptance, on a physical level. I honestly don't believe I'm ever going to be thin again, and I have three real choices, here: I can refuse to accept that and spend the rest of my life fighting myself and hating what I am. I can accept it and spend the rest of my life making excuses and getting even fatter and secretly hating what I am. Or I can accept it and learn to love myself anyway - even learn that I can be beautiful anyway.
I like the third option best. But I think it's probably the hardest to do. I've been alternating between the other two options for the past ten years, and I don't like either of them. I hate dieting and being on a diet and not eating when I want to eat. I hate feeling conspicuous if I have anything other than salad for lunch. I hate making whiney excuses for the way I am and knowing deep down that they're nothing more than excuses, and I hate eating because I'm so stressed over my weight. (Yes, I really do that, and if you've never been fat, then you'll never understand, so don't even try.)
I want to look in the mirror and think, "Dear gods, but I'm beautiful! Look at that hair! Look at those eyes! Check out those curves!" Sexy doesn't have to equal skinny. (Even before I had weight issues, I thought curves were sexier than bones, on women and men alike!) If I eat when I'm not hungry, I want it to be because I'm a sensual person, and I enjoy the textures and flavors of what I'm eating - not because I'm swearing up, down, and sideways that I deserve this binge because tomorrowbygod I'm going on a diet! I want to be one of those heavy-but-active women who eat what they want, do what they want, enjoy what they enjoy, and forpetesake don't give a shit what anyone else thinks.
It sounds like heaven, to me. And nearly as far away.
I touch it, sometimes. Every now and then I'll be getting dressed and look up in the mirror and wonder for just an instant who that beauty is smiling at me. When I catch myself off-guard like that it's garunteed to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Every now and then, I'll just feel it, and I can tell just having the attitude makes a difference.
And what's funny is that I think for me, that's the attitude I need to stop the weight from coming. When I'm feeling that good about myself... I'm not so hungry, I want to go out and do things, I'm more active...
So I'm trying to cultivate the attitude. Slowly, slowly, I'm learning how to do it on purpose. Inch by inch, I'm becoming reacquainted with my body (I haven't had more than bathroom mirrors for the past ten years) and making my peace with it. Learning how to hold it, what looks good posing, what looks good moving... Yeah, I vogue for myself in front of my mirror. Wanna make something of it?
It's coming. Slowly but surely.
Anyway, part of the evidence that it's coming is that I've started taking an interest in the things I can actually change again. I'm looking for clothes with form as well as function, I've started wearing skirts more, I'm trying new things with my hair, and wearing dabs of makeup.
Some of these things, though, have problems. Clothese are expensive - especially when your weight yo-yo's as much as mine does. Do I really want to spend $50 or more on a dress that looks fabulous if it's not going to fit me three months from now? Matt objects to makeup. He says it's just because he's not used to it on me, but I started wearing some lip gloss the other day, and he's still teasing me about it. Lip gloss! (Okay, to be fair, he's teasing me because it's chocolate-milk flavored, mostly. But still.) Besides, it's been so long since I wore makeup on an everyday basis that I'm not sure I know where to start.
Well, that leaves hair. And hair is a great thing to play with. Decorative bits are usually just a couple of bucks, and if you hate the way it looks, wash it and try again! Cut it, and it takes longer, but still, it grows back. The absolute worst that can happen is that you cut it all off - and while that's pretty terrible, I've seen some adorable hats lately, and there are some very cute hairstyles for women with ultra-short hair.
Unfortunately for me, I have some rules about my hair that pretty severely restrict playing with it. I don't own a curling iron, and don't want to. I don't like to blowdry my hair unless I have to, either. Heat is bad, bad, bad for hair, and one of the things I love best about my hair is its soft texture. Heat would ruin that. So I use a blowdryer to help shape my bangs occasionally (Matt even teased me about that, when I brought the hairdryer out of hiding) but that's all.
I love having long hair. I cut it short just before going into the sixth grade, and hated it. I immediately started growing it back out, but it took all the way until the end of high school to do. I won't cut my hair shorter than my shoulder blades ever again.
I don't like using gunk in my hair, either. (Gunk means mousse, gel, hairspray, or any other product that I don't rinse out before styling.) Once again, it interferes with the texture.
And I'm not very good at braiding or styling, either, though I'd be willing to learn if someone wanted to try to teach me.
This doesn't leave me with many options. I could try to color it, but I can't picture myself with any other color hair, really. Actually, just a few auburn highlights might look great, but KT and Colleen have both done the red hair thing. I hate being a copycat, and as long as my hair is, it would look awful for years while it grew out.
So anyway... I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe get one of those temporary dyes that wash out in a couple of weeks? Stick with the same old half-ponies and twists and get some new clips to stick in them? I just want to do something - something to assert my position as a woman for whom physical beauty is an option, but something that I can back out of if I don't like it. Something new and different and exciting - but something my husband won't tease me about too much.
I'm asking too much, I know. Maybe I'll just get colored hairspray for Hallowe'en weekend.
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By the way, I know I don't exactly have a huge readership here, and I update on a regular basis, but would anyone be interested in a notify list? For these afternoon updates, and whatever other peculiar ramblings might strike me as needful? If so, let me know, and I'll think about it.
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