Wednesday, December 8, 1999

8 December 1999

So yesterday was a pretty damn good day. Made up for Monday by a long shot.

I finally got the tree up!I got a new stand for the tree and got it up. I even managed to get it up before Matt got home from work, so the surprise I'd been hoping to give him Monday, he got yesterday instead. The lost package with my dad's present in it arrived suddenly, even though UPS's tracker still says it's in California. Another package arrived with presents for my brother and Matt. I got some productive shopping done, and some frivolous shopping, too.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, some gratuitous pictures. But first, a story! Last week when I was out shopping, I picked up something that looks like old fashioned 3-D specs - cheap cardboard glasses with plastic over the eyeholes. The glasses themselves are hideously ugly - decorated with an image of glowing colored lights. Only instead of red and blue plastic, the lenses were a sort of spotty-looking grey. Holiday Specs, they bill themselves. "See the Magic in the Lights of Christmas!" What the hell, I thought, and looked through the lenses at a nearby Christmas tree.

I was bowled over. Every single miniature light on the tree was the center of a rainbow snowflake. I was hooked. I had to have them. I bought three pairs of the specs - they came in blue, gold, and red. I think I had vague ideas of making them stocking stuffers or something. When I got home, I found out that each color revealed a different image around the lights: Blue was the snowflake; red a star and candycane; and gold the phrase "Happy Holidays" They work best with dimmer lights - anything much brighter than your standard window-candle is too bright for the image to show up clearly. Luckily for you, though, these aren't the sort of glasses that require looking through both lenses at once, so I managed to capture the images with my digital camera by the simple expedient of holding one plastic lens over my camera's lens while taking a picture of some lights. Pretty, ain't they?


I must say, I appreciate the sense of humor of the company - let's call them Acme - from which I ordered my dad's Christmas present. Their website almost seems to be a joke, except it's too detailed in ordering information. The flyers which came with the item were equally amusing: (slightly edited on the thousand-to-one-chance my dad reads this before Christmas)

UNIMPORTANT INFORMATION!

Dear Person-Who-Now-Owns-An-Acme-[product],

As you unpack your new [product], please note that our shipping manager has packed your [product] with Eco-Fill peanuts. These are derived from genuine corn, which was planted, grown, and harvested in either the American Midwest or someplace else.

You can get rid of these pesky packing peanuts by just tossing them on the grass and squirting them with a hose. Or wash them down the drain. Our assistant bottle-washer tells us that they dissolve in water. Our supplier assures us that they are biodegradable. Our 4-year-old reports that they are edible.

Also, please notice that we have enclose a waterslide decal which will properly calibrate and identify your Acme [product]. [Directions for putting the decal on the product omitted.]

Applied properly, we certify that these calibrations cannot be traced to the National Institute of Standards and Technology, the National Physics Laboratory, and the Bureau of Metrology in Paris.

Best wishes,

[signature reads "Meanie"]
Ms. Median Mode Middlemean
Assistant Administrative Averager
Department of Statistical Flukes
Their other inserts were just as tongue-in-cheek funny, but I can't include them because they require knowing what the product is. If you're really curious, write me and I'll pass them on.

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