Archive - 16 March 1999

I got a letter from my friend K.T. yesterday that sortof floored me. It seems that she had just read a bunch of my journal entries at once, and had gotten the distinct impression from them that I have a very low self-esteem.

That's actually not far from the truth. I'm not my own biggest fan, and Matt and I have on occasion had actual arguments about my worth. My sense of self-worth is, in all probability, much lower than it has every right to be. (Though to be fair, it has improved enormously in the last several years.) What astonished me is how much of it she could read from this journal.

Of course, she's been one of my best friends for many years, and so I'm sure she could read between the lines better than a stranger. And I whine a lot in this journal. When I'm happy, I tend not to write about it - does anyone really want to read about me being deliriously happy with my husband? (Though, for that matter, does anyone want to read about me being depressed?) The point is, a journal by its very nature tends to be fairly introspective, and when I become introspective, I tend to head for the lower emotions.

And there's the fact that this is a public forum, no matter how hard I try to pretend that it's not. I try not to use names if I think my words will offend someone, and what you're reading are surface thoughts, not the really deep ones. And I've always been told that it's impolite to brag. So maybe that's why I don't talk about the things that I actually like about myself.

K.T. gave me permission to put up her letter, and while the whole thing is a bit long (and contains some parts that I'd rather keep private) I thought I'd give you one excerpt, and let you see me through someone else's eyes.

All of this sort of boils around to a point somewhere - I'm sure I had a point. Really, I did... now, where did I put it? Oh, yes, self-esteem. Something I don't think you have much of. Something I've put lots of effort into getting. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? I didn't like going to a therapist, and so worked it out on my own. But you really could use an ego boost. A LOT of what you write in your journal sounds like it has that small voice behind it "I'm not worth anything, I'm insignificant, I'm fat, I'm ugly, nobody likes me." Don't you hate that voice? Don't you just wish for 5 seconds it would SHUT UP and leave you alone?

There's no easy route to silencing it, and even now, as much as I think I've improved, I still hear it now and again. Part of silencing it is small steps... I started small. Worked up to bigger things later. First thing I did was made a list. A list of all the things I liked about myself and all the things I hated about myself. Everything. Everything I could think of. It took DAYS. On the things that I liked were "length of hair, talent for smart remarks, intelligent, good with computers." The list of things I hated covered the front and back of three sheets of paper. "Weight, looks, habit of talking without thinking, hairstyle, eye color, hair color, fact that I still smoke, etc." I divided the list of hates into several categories - appearance, personality, knowledge, other. I divided those lists into several lists - things I can change, things I can't change, things I don't want to change. I made lists of the traits I admired in other people, honesty, integrity, appearance, confidence, etc. I put those on a list of goals. Things I would like to be. I added to those, the list of things I can change about myself. Long list. Really long.

How depressing. So I made another list. Things I didn't like about other people - hypocrisy, dishonesty, condescension, etc etc. That was a pretty long list. Then I spent a while analyzing myself and seeing if I honestly thought I had any of those traits. Some... add it to the list of goals... list is even longer now. More depressing. Then I took one other person and made a list of things I liked about her and things I didn't like about her. Long list. We had a lot of traits in common, she and I. And I still liked her anyway. I thought she was worthwhile, fun to be with, very pretty... she has very nice skin, and lovely soft long hair. She was very smart, witty, sarcastic, sometimes impatient, sometimes easily irritated, sometimes erratic and crazy. She has her faults too. She's absent-minded, quick to make snap judgements about people, complains alot, has no self-esteem, non-confrontational, almost never stands up for herself. Long list. But I think she's a worthwhile person, and I think my life has been greatly improved by knowing her. And I thought, you know, she's gone out of her way to continue to be friends with me, when there is no reason why she should, and every possible reason why she shouldn't. So maybe, there is something worthwhile about me after all.

Anyway, that's K.T. And the point I wanted to make today was that I really do have a little self-esteem. More now than any time in the last ten years, really. Every now and then, I don't worry about being overweight. Every once in a while, I'll look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and be stunned for a few seconds at how pretty I look that day. I've finally learned how to take a compliment. (When I first started dating Matt, I contradicted every nice thing he said about me. Now I can at least smile and say "Thank you," even if I don't agree.) Every now and then I look around at the good things in my life and am able to say, "I deserve this."

I just wanted you to know.