Competence

So Braz isn't staying with us anymore, I guess. Good luck, Braz.

---

A lot of people seem to depend on the good opinions of others for the backbone of their self-esteem. It's an easy trap to fall into, and I'm not immune. I like to think that I mostly restrict my concern to people whose good opinions actually matter, people who I respect and even wish to emulate. Mostly.

But here's the thing: I'm a sore loser.

No, really. Everyone hates a sore loser, and I don't want to be one, but I am. I don't even care so much about winning, but I want to... show well, if that makes sense. If I lose, I at least want my team members to be glad I was on their side, and I want to feel like my opponents had to stretch to beat me. Even if it's something brand new, I want to feel like I'm nearly there.

In short, I want to feel -- and I want the others around me to feel -- like I'm competent.

And if I lose that feeling, I can be really, incredibly bad-tempered about it. I mean, I'm adult, so I don't kick the game board over and yell, "Stupid poopyhead!" at it... but the impulse is there. I internalize it and laugh it off until I can go off to sulk in private. And then, mostly, I don't play that game anymore, because I'd rather be the kid who packs up her toys and goes home than the one who pitches a tantrum every time she gets frustrated, and no matter how hard I try, there just isn't a third option. The frustration is too blindingly intense to work through.

And that doesn't just apply to games. It applies to everything in my life. Parenting is especially difficult for me, emotionally, because I can't just walk away when I feel incompetent and stupid. I spend a lot of time trying to hide how angry and defensive I feel about being a parent.

But work is kicking me in the head, right now. I got put in charge of coordinating this proposal, and I was a little nervous, but also kind of proud that my boss thought I could handle it, and I thought, well, if I have problems or questions, he's right there and I can ask. I didn't feel like I had to blow anyone out of the water, but I wanted the people I was working with to think, "Not bad for a first time."

But the people I'm working with on the proposal are mostly unknown entities -- I've never even met most of them before, much less worked with them. And because this isn't internal to my office, I don't know what the politics of the situation are, which is dangerous water to be in. And my boss wound up being out of touch almost completely.

So I had a status meeting yesterday, and was hoping for some goodwill and teamwork and a general sense of, "since you've never done this before, let us suggest some next steps," from the team, but instead, most of them were giving off a vibe of impatience and irritation that I wasn't handling things better.

So now I'm feeling incompetent, and I want to go curl up under my desk and sulk, but I can't. If nothing else, I have to figure out how to report to my boss without letting my inner child slip and kick over the game board and burst into tears with the frustration of it all.