Therapy

See the thing is, I started seeing a therapist a while back because the stress of never having any time to myself was getting to me, and I was hoping for some coping mechanisms.

We made some progress early on.

And then it stopped. I spent three sessions in a row locked up, saying, "The kids are fine, work is fine, Matt's fine, the marriage is fine, the family's fine, the social life is fine, the schedule is tight but I'm coping." And then I'd leave and wonder, if everything was so fine, if I was coping so well, why was I in therapy?

Yesterday, when I walked into her office, I'd intended to say that. I'd meant to say, "Look, I need to figure out why I can't trust you enough to tell you what I'm really thinking, because otherwise I'm wasting money and, worse, time."

I didn't say that. But I managed to avoid pretending that everything was fine.

I talked about the things I'm doing that are helping, and the things I should do but can't seem to, for whatever reason. I admitted to feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful, and inadequate. I cried a lot.

Some of it was cathartic -- it felt better, just to be able to say it. The rest of it... I don't know that any progress was made, but at least I put it out on the table. I didn't say everything I should have, maybe, but it's a start.

And then I went to the gym and worked off some of the lingering feelings of uck. I had to spend vacation time to do it, but I needed some time to put my "everything's fine and how are you?" mask back on before I went back to work.

I decided I need to renew my commitment to eating healthier. Better for me, better for Matt and Penny (and Alex, once he stops eating out of jars). Nothing terribly drastic -- more vegetables and fruits, less junk food. I spent the afternoon poking around online and looking for recipes. I'm questioning my decision to serve fish once a week, because I just don't like it unless I pile cheese or cream-based sauces on it to disguise the flavor, which sort of defeats the purpose. Need to replace it with more chicken or vegetarian meals, though. Weekly Hot Dog Night might go away, if I can find something just as quick and easy (less than 5 minutes total prep/cook time is hard to beat!) to replace it with that Penny's willing to eat. I'm pondering strategies for avoiding the snack bar at work, which is my particular Achilles heel.

And then today, showing up at work filled with optimism and commitment... there are doughnuts in the kitchen.

And not just any doughnuts. Chocolate-covered Krispy Kremes. My very favorite doughnuts in all the world.

I am a priestess of Murphy, and my god blesses me. Often.

(And now that I've spent over an hour writing this and deleting things and rewriting them and deleting them again, I'm desperately hoping the doughnuts are all gone. Oh, look. Time to go get my allergy shot!)