Boy, oh, boy are you in for a treat today! I got a catalog yesterday from Hammacher Schlemmer, which is - as you know if you've ever looked through their catalogs on airplanes - a catalog for people with more money than sense. I have no idea how I got on their mailing list, but I just can't pass up the opportunity to mock some of the more absurd items.

Silent Electric Violin™ Winner of the 1998 Popular Science "What's New" Award, this violin generates sound through headphones to allow beginners, or accomplished musicians, to play or practice anytime without disturbing others. It runs on batteries (included) or may be plugged into a standard outlet with an adapter (sold separately below). ...the internal computer chip enhances the sound digitally to mimic the acoustics of 3 different environments: practice room, small concert hall, or large concert hall. With the cord provided, the violin can also be plugged into a tape or CD player, so a musician can play along with recorded music. ...

$1,199.95

Okay, while I appreciate the idea, I'm extremely dubious about this. I don't know how they keep the thing from making real noises, and I don't know that it will accurately capture sour notes and inflict them on the user. Not only that, but this is, beyond a shadow of doubt, the ugliest violin I've ever seen. There's no body. Just enough wood is there for the strings and pegs to attach to, and there's curve of wood that looks like the outer edge of a violin - but only on half. The top half of the violin (the half that usually goes beside your neck) is nothing but a chinrest. Very, very ugly. It wouldn't have hurt the electronics of the system to make a complete body, would it? What's the deal, here?

The Two-Person Submarine This craft allows you to cruise underwater at up to 4 knots without cumbersome diving equipment. The cockpit can be easily entered by swimming into the opening in the back of the hull. Once inside, passengers sit in a fold-out seat and their bodies from the waist up are enclosed in the air-tight cabin. Air pressure inside the cabin matches the water pressure outside to keep water from entering. The submarine's three front Lexan® flat windows allow for easy visual navigation, while the high-intensity 50-watt headlight casts a beam up to 50 feet (depending on water conditions). ... The sub has a maximum depth of 130 feet. The sub can be towed on a trailer behind almost any car and launched from a boat ramp. Must obtain scuba certification to purchase; training provided by manufacturer. Constructed of compression-proof 3/8-inch thick fiberglass. The motors' rechargeable 24-volt battery (included) operates for 4-8 hours.

$62,900.00
(Please add $500.00 to regular shipping and handling.)

Three-Person Submarine As above, but the air-tight cabin is larger to accommodate 3 people.

$72,900.00
(Please add $500.00 to regular shipping and handling.)

Is this not the ultimate in the more-money-than-sense category? I almost laughed myself sick. I don't even need to mock this one; it mocks itself. Here's a note: If you find yourself with an extra $63,000 to throw around and think a personal submarine would be a good idea, forget it and just send the money to me.

Cordless Insect Vacuum This lightweight, battery-powered device lets you quickly capture and dispose of insects at a comfortable distance without ever having to touch them. Flies, spiders, and bees are suctioned by the 14,000 rpm fan, and drawn into a sealed disposable cartridge (included). Lined with a non-toxic gel (harmless to humans and pets), the cartridge traps and quickly kills insects.

$49.95
Six disposable cartriges: $29.95

I've used a vacuum to suck up spiders before - I'm not ashamed to admit that. But I've never in my life thought I needed a special tool to do the job. The reach on this thing (from looking at the picture) is only about a foot and a half - nowhere near as comfortable a distance as my four-foot-long vacuum attachment. I also find myself vastly amused by the picture, in which they show this marvel of redundancy sucking up the fakest-looking spider I've ever seen in my life. Obviously, the picture model didn't trust it enough to use it to suck up a real bug.

Genuine Turkish Bathrobe Turkish toweling is legendary throughout the world for its extraordinary thickness and absorbency. This robe is made of that same thirsty, 100% cotton with each square yard of fabric weighting a full 22 ounces (60% heavier than other robes) and containing 69,000 loops to absorb water and help conserve body heat. ... The more the robe is washed the softer and more absorbent it becomes, as the cotton fibers "bloom".

$99.95

It isn't so much the item which amused me here - I might even like one myself. (Though not for $100!) But in my world, we call it "fraying," not "blooming".

The Silk Sleep Sack For those who prefer the comfort and the unquestionable hygiene of their own bed linens, this travel sack allows a traveler to easily take their own bedding along on overnight trips or for extended excursions. Over 15 feet of 100% washable silk is used to make this sleep sack, but it rolls into its own silk drawstring pouch the size of a wallet and weighs only seven ounces.

$79.95

This thing is royal blue, so there's no question that your best friend is going to know you don't trust her to put clean sheets on the guest bed. It's both longer and wider than a sleeping bag, so if you take it camping with you, you're going to get that sensation of wrinkled sheets. And it only fits one person, so while you won't be feeling those scratchy hotel sheets, you won't be able to touch your partner, either. All in all, an item for the obsessively tidy only.

Imprevious Tablewear Easily mistaken for fine crystal, this tablewear is actually made of polycarbonate - the same material used in bulletproof glass. Unlike common acrylic tablewear, it is microwavable and dishwasher safe. It won't cloud or craze, even after 2,000 dishwasher cycles. It will not crack or shatter, even if forcefully struck with a blunt object or dropped on a hard surface.

53-ounce pitcher: $34.95
10-ounce tumbler (set of six): $39.95
17-ounce tumbler (set of six): $44.95
14-ounce pilsner (set of six): $59.95
7-ounce champagne flute (set of six): $49.95

Did I read that correctly? Bulletproof tableware? Well, no, but it's made out of the same thing as bulletproof glass, and isn't that close enough? For those people, I suppose, who just can't bear the thought of serving lemonade by the pool in plastic cups. How absurd.

Without quoting the flavor text, I hope you can appreciate the absurdity of these, too:

Plush Carpet Car Floor Mats (monogramming extra): $179.95
Golfer's Sandals: $86.95
Cordless Insect Vacuum: $49.95
Electronic Pants Presser: $329.95
Remote-controlled Variable Speed Fan: $89.95
Cracker and Chip Electric Crisper: $69.95
Microwave Flower Press: $49.95
Floating Trampoline: $5,999.00
Pressure-Molded Water Float with Ergonomic Headrest: $124.95