Jealousy. It's an ugly thing. I'm talking about it today because it reared its ugly head last night - briefly, thank heavens - and I want to tell you something about me: I can be a jealous, competitive bitch once in a while.

All my life, it's been that way. If I have a friend or family member who can do something better than I can, then I don't want anything to do with that activity, because I'm not the best. I don't like to play games if I don't have a reasonable chance of winning (though, weirdly enough, I'm okay with losing if I think I had a chance of winning).

I could give you specific examples, but what would be the point? It's something I don't like about myself, but I seem to be powerless to do anything about it. The best I seem to be able to do is to pretend like I'm not jealous or a poor loser until I have a chance to escape. (At least I learned better than to throw my temper tantrums where people can see them.)

Does it help me somehow to tell you about it here? I don't know. Probably not. After all, I've always known how trite and ugly it is. But it's not something I have control over. Maybe this is something like a confession - maybe if I tell you when I act like an ass, then I'll learn to control it better. Who knows?

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KT, in her journal, talks every now and then about the voices in her head. It's sortof astonishing how many voices we share - I wonder if they get paid overtime or what? But I need to add two to her cast of characters:

Worry-Wart - This is everyone's mother. Or possibly grandmother. This is the voice that goes into hysterics when people are late by more than ten minutes: "I know it, they've been in a car accident and right now they're on their way to the hospital and they don't have your phone number in their wallet and it'll be two weeks until someone remembers to call you and by then it'll be too late and they'll have slipped into a coma and they'll never wake up and you'll never get to tell them..." Like that. She doesn't care for travel much, either: "What was that bump? Just turbulence? Don't you just turbulence me - do you know what turbulence can do? What's that on the wing? Look! It's falling apart!" The Worry-Wart cannot be quieted with a safe return, either. She simply sniffs and says, "Well, it turned out all right this time..." Matt's getting ready to go out of town for a week next week, and the Worry-Wart will be a primary voice while he's gone.

Miss Perfect - "Look at her. She's so cute. Why don't you do something like that with your hair? And look how slender she is. You really should work on your diet more. Oh, and there's that guy who's only about forty times smarter than you are. How come you can't be creative and imaginative like that? He probably makes almost twice your salary, too, you know. You're not very good at your job, you know. Maybe you should look into a different line of work. The car is rattling again - Why didn't you pay more attention when your dad was trying to teach you about the engine? Then you could fix it yourself instead of having to take it to the shop! He's so handy, and you're completely useless around the house. By the way, you're due for an oil change, and have been for the last two months. Oh, check her out! She's so confidant. She's actually happy with herself. How come you're not that happy?" (Yeah, every one of those people I mentioned are real, and that's exactly what Miss Perfect says to me every time I walk past them. Annoying, isn't it?)

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Yesterday morning, my supervisor, D, came into my office to talk to Jeremy about something, and I told him I needed a new project. He agreed, and spent an hour talking to Jeremy about whatever. Before he left my office, I told him again that I need a new project. He promised to get me something. I didn't see him again for the rest of the day. I spent the whole day writing e-mail, surfing the web, and reading a novel. I never did get a project.

I don't really mind not having work to do - if they want to pay me a programmer's salary just to keep my chair warm, that's fine with me. But I'd really like to know what I should be charging it to!