I wish I could figure out my brain. I've been pretty happy lately, but there's this core of dissatisfaction with several things in my life, and I don't know why.
Dissatisfaction #1 has been my job. I had it a few months ago, and talked over some specifics with my boss, and he agreed to change them, and he even did. But I'm still not very happy, and I don't know why. Is it just that I don't want to work at all? Or maybe I just need a vacation? Or is it that I'm tired of being a programmer and want to move into a new area of work? I just don't know. All of the above, maybe. If I could figure out what my specific problems were, then I could go back to my boss and address them. But I don't know what they are - I just know that I'm not feeling motivated, and I can't think of anything that would motivate me.
The other dissatisfaction that hit last night was with the romance thing. It just seems like a lot of the romances we pull require a lot of special setup, and it makes things awkward. I don't mind going to a little extra effort to make Matt feel loved, but having to do things like make him hide in the computer room while I set up the romance in the rest of the apartment just seem too contrived. And if we're doing these romances for each other every week, then what's left to do when a special occasion comes along? (Yeah, this one came up because our anniversary is this weekend. I was trying to think of something to do to make it a special evening, but then I realized that I couldn't do anything that would top some of the romances we'd already done.) Okay, I know - special occasions are when I'm supposed to pull out the super-expensive, super-fantastic romances from the book. But not knowing what they are in advance makes it a little difficult. Matt pulled one of the super-dooper ones for his romance this week, and he confessed to me that he's not sure it'll have the impact he was hoping for.
I'm starting to think that the best way to use this book would be for us to each open all of our envelopes, so we can pick and choose the right romances to go with our busy schedules. The ones that require a lot of previous setup could be started well in advance, and the ones that can't be done for one reason or another can be chucked. That, or maybe we should open all the envelopes together, and talk about the ideas inside and tell each other, "Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun," or "I'd be completely bored by this." And we could take notes (physically or mentally) and scoop up our envelopes and put them away, and remember them when we feel like doing something special for each other.
Maybe that's the problem - all the time we have together is special, so we don't really need to work on new ways to romance each other. And the extra time, effort, and money involved is getting to be a little stressful. I thought doing these romances would be fun, and it has been, but I'm starting to get tired of it. Kindof the same way I'm starting to get tired of my job.
Maybe I need to spend a day in a sensory-deprivation chamber. Then, when I came out colors would be more vibrant, food would taste better, and being happy would actually make me happy.
Because I'm not unhappy. I'm not depressed. I'm in a good mood today. My life is good. There's just a core of discontent that seems to have no real source, and I don't know why. Maybe I just have to ride it out.
In other news, the holes that were in our dirt on Wednesday had concrete in them last night! Whoo-hooooo! I took a picture. It will be a while before I finish the roll of film, but I'm thinking I could take a weekly or semi-weekly picture - maybe from the same spot each time, even - and then we'd be able to document the building of the house. Or is that a little over the top?
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