Man, I have got to change my directory structure. But that means going through and changing all the links... Bleah.
Clean apartment, blah, blah, blah... Sand in the house foundation, blah, blah, blah... Haven't paid the bills yet, blah, blah... Almost blew the diet, blah, blah... That's about it for the laundry list of my life.
Last night, after I went to bed, I wanted to pet the cat. Just wanted to feel him snuggled up next to me in the bed and reach out and lightly stroke his soft fur. (That's one of the three main reasons I prefer cats to dogs: softer fur. The other two are the drool factor and the walk-vs-litterbox factor, in case you're wondering.) Anyway, I wanted the cat. But he wasn't inside; I'd let him out about an hour earlier, and we've been letting him stay out all night lately.
So I got up and went outside and called him. He didn't come, and it was pretty chilly, standing there in my nightshirt, so I went back to bed, figuring I'd just deal with it and go to sleep.
Nope. My overactive imagination kicked in. What if he's been hurt and is cowering under some car, waiting for you to come and find him? What if he's dead ? Are you going to just let his little cold body lay there all night? Then I started trying to imagine how I would bury my cat if he was dead, until I couldn't stand it any more, and I made Matt come outside and help me look for him. We called for ten minutes, walking up and down and around the building, but he didn't come. Ten minutes after we went inside, though, he showed up and I let him in and felt better.
Is it only my brain that does this? It's not just my cat, either. I used to go crazy, when Matt and I worked at different places, if he was late coming home from work. I always imagine the worst. And while it doesn't get me if we're just driving around town, any time we go on any kind of long trip - driving or flying or whatever - I always envision an accident. I can see it so clearly, too: We're driving through the mountains on our way to visit friends in the western half of the state, and there's an accident. Maybe one of those giant trucks changes lanes without checking, or I have a coughing fit and lose control of the car, or the businessman in that other car suddenly snaps and pulls out a gun and starts shooting people randomly. The plane runs out of fuel or crashes into a mountain or is hijacked. I've seen them all in the movie theater of my mind. I've imagined all the possible consequences, too: We're fine, but the car is dented and I pull out my cell phone and call AAA to come and fetch us. One or both of us is severely wounded. (I imagine waking up in the hospital with Matt holding my hand - or I imagine waking up alone to the knowledge that Matt will never hold my hand again.) One or both of us is dead. (I envision funerals and sobbing parents.)
I can't stop it. I get frantic when people are more than ten minutes late. I try to maintain a cool exterior (because I know how dumb it is) but I just can't stop it. My cat, my husband, my parents, my family, my friends - everyone I know has at least once become a statistic in my fevered imagination.
And what can I do when it happens? Trying not to think about something just reinforces it. Trying to think about something else doesn't really work. Distracting myself with busywork sometimes helps, but not for very long. When I was in grad school and expecting my boyfriend to come up for visits, I'd put a movie in the VCR about an hour before he was due to arrive, because otherwise I'd spend the entire hour hanging out the window, trying desperately to look casual. (Don't let that fool you, either - I almost never sat all the way through the movie. Multiple "casual" trips to the window were made.) Excitement and worry all rolled up into one.
Do other people do this? Worry obsessively and unnecessarily and without real cause? Am I a mutant? A worry-wart? (Well, yeah, I am. But is it abnormal?)
Oh, forget it. I'm going to go fix my breakfast (and try not to envision the hot water suddenly gushing out of the cooler and scalding my hands so I can't type).
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